BY Nick HenningIt was an average Thursday morning. I was working with my team on filling roles for a large Financial Services client. Out of nowhere, I get a meeting request from the company executive administrative assistant. Odd, I thought. The meeting was in ten minutes with the President of the company in his office. As I walked into the office I noticed that in the corner was one of the partners of the company. They asked me to shut the door and sit down. My blood pressure began to rise. Then the President started speaking. I knew what was coming. The tone of his voice and lack of eye contact said it all. I was one of the "golden employees." You know the ones that the organization show as an example of growth opportunities to new hires. Promoted 3 times in a matter of two and a half years. Also, I was a part of the executive leadership team with everyone else at least twelve years my senior. However, I had been unhappy with the organization for the past couple of months. It all started when there was a change in the compensation model and executive leadership. Promised that if I hit certain metrics (which I did) I would make a certain level of income (which I did not). Additionally, the executive leadership shifted to become more of a “good old boys club.” I learned that I was making the same income as my previous boss who happened to be a woman which didn’t sit right with me. The meeting lasted all but ten minutes. They walked me out of the front entrance. Later I learned that they had a company-wide meeting to announce my departure. To address any questions and get ahead of any ripple effect. At the time I felt betrayed because my current boss at that time who was a partner as well wasn't in the meeting. I had built a tremendous relationship with him. I guess it was his way of communicating that he didn't agree with the decision. As a result of this experience and a couple others, I know the shame and stress associated with getting “redirected.” 5 times through the course of my career to be exact. Yes, that's correct I was fired three times by organizations I worked for. The other two times I had to fire myself after unsuccessful entrepreneurial endeavors. Yep, I fired myself. Remind me to tell you that story one day ;) But it only gets better. I have advised thousands on their careers as an executive search professional. And wait for it…I'm a career coach now. Proof that anyone can do anything. Literally. You would think that being fired 5 times makes me unqualified to be a career coach. I would say the opposite. It is precisely these types of experiences that qualify me. I have deep empathy for those that have lost their jobs. I know the thoughts and feelings that can take over. But the silver lining is that I’m able to help navigate them to the next role faster. I learned it’s best to reflect and discover your strengths, talents, and ask the difficult questions to clearly define your values. This will help you create a purpose, find alignment, and have meaningful work. I know the best way to tell your story to put yourself in a good light from a bad situation. I mastered how to communicate the transferable skills learned from the previous role. Most importantly, I learned how to ask the right questions while going through the interview process to identify toxic environments and bosses. And so much more. As you can imagine at first I had some reservations about writing this article. Would it be career suicide? What would potential clients think of me? Again, thoughts of fear, doubts, you know, the typical ego-shielding bullshit. However, a voice deep within started gently speaking to me not to hide these experiences from others. It grew louder and louder over time. Then one day it finally became clear that it was my soul yelling it’s time to step out of your comfort zone and share this article with the world. It knew that it was critically important to share the insights that I gained and provide advice based on what worked for me after these painful experiences. Lesson 1 - Don’t ignore the warning signs. Whether you're placed on a performance plan, feel disengaged, or dread Sunday evenings, these are all red flags that indicate you should start to look for another role. Every one of my firings was preceded by a period of misalignment. Every. Single. One. With the role itself, the leadership, or the culture of the organization. Some of the warning signs were unrealistic expectations, unmet promises, and a micromanaging boss. A "high performer" throughout my career I received a promotion or two in almost every organization. As a result of my willingness to please and desire to achieve, my leaders would place more on my plate. Before I knew it they were expecting me to do the role of 3 people. In one organization. Advice 1 – Take action Once you see a warning sign immediately start taking action to find something better. Don't "suck it up" or "stick it out" when you know it's not right. Every time I knew deep down that I needed to move on. And not doing so ate at my health and soul. Meanwhile, I would convince myself that something would change or I would find a new role the following year. Being in a toxic environment or constantly stressed is unhealthy. We all deserve better and the sooner we get away from constant stress the less damage long-term it will have on our bodies. If your boss is shitty that is not your fault. However, continuing to work for them is. So start taking action now! Put together a job search strategy and execute it. Update your professional branding like your cover letter, resume, LinkedIn profile. Start reaching out to your network to let them know you're seeking the next role. Get out and start building more relationships. Lesson 2 - You did not fail and you're not a failure! You learned. Education can be expensive. It sometimes costs money, other times pain. Life is full of lessons learned. I learned a great amount through these experiences. More about myself and what I needed to do in order to be successful in the future. What type of bosses and environments I needed in order to excel. Most importantly, I learned it was how I internalized the occurrence that mattered the most. I had two options failure or lessons learned. The most empowering thing is that I got to decide. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, these lessons helped me learn, grow, and become a better version of myself. Every redirection led me to something much better because of the knowledge gained along the way. Also, they prepared me for future challenges. Overcoming them provided me with confidence to conquer challenges in several aspects of my life. Advice 2 - Reflect and take ownership Take time to reflect to prevent history from repeating itself. Write down the lessons that you learned from this experience and internalize them. Both the good and the bad. Be sure to include what you're grateful for in having this experience. The key is to view it as a positive experience in that you learned more about yourself and what you need. Take ownership of your part in it not working out. Self-awareness will help you avoid getting yourself into similar situations in the future. We are all far from perfect. Yet, we're perfectly imperfect. Don’t wallow in self-pity, resentment, or let thoughts of fear creep in. This will only drain your energy levels and distract you. Again, you learned and grew. Now is the time to focus your energy on immediately taking action after reflecting. Whether you realize it or not you do have a new job. Your new job is finding a new one so start putting in your best effort by implementing a job search strategy. Also, create a stress management plan and start implementing it. Finding a job can be very frustrating and stressful. Focus on taking care of yourself by eating healthy, exercise, and quality sleep. All of these things will help you ward off stress and help you perform better while interviewing. Benjamin Franklin said it best. "if you fail to plan, you are planning to fail." Lesson 3 - Forgiveness is key. Being fired is painful. Rejection by others is difficult in all aspects of your life. Especially in your career. However, don't carry around your resentment because it's very heavy and weighs you down. Forgiving your boss or former employer is one of the most empowering and freeing things you can do. It will free up your mental space and give you more energy. Ironically, one of the worst bosses I ever had said one statement that I carry with me today. "You're always learning what to do and what not to do by those you work with and for." In this case, it was the latter but I'm grateful for the education. The sooner you forgive them the more energy you will have to focus on the things you need to do. The worst thing you can do while interviewing is to speak negatively about your former employer. Though they may have done you wrong it will only reflect poorly on you. Often, potential employers will think that you were most likely the cause of the problem. Trust me and resist the temptation to vent. As mentioned share what you learned and what you're grateful for from your past employer. Put a positive spin on a negative situation. Advice 3 – Self-love is the answer! The most important person to forgive is yourself. For allowing this to happen to yourself and putting up with an unsatisfactory job. Often we put up with negative bosses or toxic work environments because of fear. Fear of the unknown and the what if's etc. It has an impact on our productivity, engagement, and overall happiness. Some self-love is critically important. Most often, we are our toughest critics. 80%+ of our self-talk is negative. Don’t continue to beat yourself up. It’s a waste of precious energy. Apologize to yourself, accept the apology, and then move on. This may seem like a silly exercise to do, but it is SO important. Every day is a brand new fresh opportunity to become a better version of yourself. So don’t hold yourself back by reliving your mistakes over and over again. Show yourself some love by focusing on creating the future version of yourself that you actually want. Better times are coming!
Being fired is difficult, to say the least. If you take away anything from this article, let it be this: being fired is an opportunity for you to start anew and could be the best thing that happens to you. Take for example, Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, and Walt Disney. All three tremendously successful, yet each one was fired in their careers. If they hadn't been fired and remained in those roles they might not have gone on to great feats. It comes down to your mindset and how you internalize the experience. Does it make you bitter or better? The choice is yours!
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*cue soft lighting, red wine, and Frank Sinatra music*
I was recently on a date where the gentleman across the table leaned in and said part charmingly, part with low-key exasperation, “I don’t know what you women want. You’re all so…different.” It was an odd moment for me. I presume this women-are-mysterious sentiment arises fairly often guy to guy. You know, water cooler talk. But it was the first time I had been the recipient of such a declaration. And it made me wonder. Is he right? Yes and no. When I first started dating as a twenty-something, what I wanted from a partner was pretty straightforward — chemistry, charisma, and overall hotness factor. I tended to gravitate toward dynamic individuals; men with the ability to achieve much, interact well, look great, and spark attraction. I was status-struck. The shy guy would never even hit my radar. I was looking to be swept off my feet by a larger-than-life character. Part of me still wants this. As I became more seasoned in relationships, I realized this framework was one dimensional and didn’t get me what I truly wanted. I kept involving myself with men who were dynamic individuals but weren’t treating me well long term. See, my original framework had everything to do with the guy and who he was — and *nothing* to do with how he interacted with me. The man of my dreams quickly became the man of my nightmares. I have since learned that how a man interacts with me is more important than who he is in isolation. I don’t presume to speak for all women. I only know my own evolution on attraction. Looking back though, I can say with confidence that what I want now was what I wanted back then — I simply lacked the awareness to recognize it or the words to articulate it. But I do now. It’s two things. And let me tell you, I look for them early and often. This benchmark has enabled me to cut through the riffraff with rapidity and find amazing men much faster. Women, let’s not buy into the delusion that high-quality men aren’t out there. What we lack isn’t options, rather a framework to discover them. Here is mine. In the early stages of dating, I look for emotional intelligence and emotional availability. Let’s unpack what these look like in action. Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence is the capacity and ability to care for self and others.
Emotional Availability Emotional availability is the capacity to make space for others.
In sum, emotional intelligence is I know how to care for you. Emotional availability is I know how to make space for you. Both are needed. If you have the ability to care for me but don’t make space for me in your life, that’s a problem. If you make space for me, but you don’t know how to treat me once I’m there — also a problem. Both emotional intelligence and emotional availability are required to make things work. No amount of chemistry can make up for a lack on either side. Long term, that is ;) And why do I seek these things in the early stages, you ask? The early moments with a person are the biggest predictor of future action. Not their words. Or intentions. Certainly not my fairy-tale perception of their untapped potential. If someone is emotionally intelligent and emotionally available early on with the little things, chances are they will be later on as well, when it really counts. I realize I may have rubbed some of you the wrong way with the mention of ‘emotional’ anything. Men aren’t emotional, you’re thinking. Another woman trying to feminize men. That couldn’t be further from the truth. What I am saying is that I like men who can bear the weight of challenges. Who don’t cower from hard things. Who can stand in the space of discomfort and be present and available in that space. Men mature enough to separate me from them, to embrace self-reflection, to pursue growth with self and others, and to believe the best version of themselves is ahead. This is the spirit behind emotional intelligence and emotional availability. It’s not watching Hallmark movies on the couch — it’s showing up to the relationship when things get hard. I can think of no stronger and more valuable trait a man can possess. Because sooner or later, things will get hard, harder than you and I could ever imagine. Job loss out of nowhere. Sudden reverse of finances. Terrible news from the doctor. The last thing I want is someone who, in that moment, avoids and distracts, tries to tell me why I should be happy, or disappears altogether. In essence, someone who can’t bear the hardship with me. Because the only thing worse than being “single” when shit hits the fan is being alone in a relationship. No, this article is not about Chip and Joanna Gaines.
Sure, they are the quintessential power couple. Sure, they effortlessly balance fun, hard work, creativity, and desire. Sure they are handsome and wholesome and every other good and perfect quality. But these are things to admire, not internalize. Apart from a love of shiplap, there are very few things I’ve actually learned from them. There is something there, though. A quality in the veins of every HGTV show that is both alluring and revelatory. Whether it’s Nicole Curtis’ Rehab Addict, John and Drew’s Property Brothers, or yes, even Chip and Jo’s Fixer Upper. Something about this channel makes us want to watch its programming over and over again, connecting us to humanity on a visceral level. I think I’ve figured it out. It’s the renovation. And more importantly, what it reveals. We crave beauty. Every one of these shows starts with a property that is outdated at best, in disrepair at worst. Houses with teeny tiny rooms, dingy hallways, dilapidated exteriors. And what do they do? They tear down the walls and create an open concept living space — light, airy, sunny, spacious. Freedom. Beautiful, comfortable freedom. Tall ceilings, clean lines, light colors. A beautiful space that makes you want to relax. We marvel at the before and after shots. We cheer the open concept. But most importantly, we delight in the redemption. To take something forgotten and downtrodden and make it beautiful again — that is the fantasy. We want to be that overlooked house someone glances at and says I see you, I’m going to pour my heart and soul into you, and you’re mine. We await the partner that is willing to work with us, on us, to create something beautiful. What we want and what we fear are close neighbors. To achieve the breathtaking outcome we must embrace the current state. The landscape of our lives is, well … compartmentalized. We are the outdated property. We have small, segmented rooms of our heart and mind, places we don’t let certain people see. Spaces we keep cornered off and hidden from other parts. The walls are thick and rigid. The air is musty. Sunlight is minimal. Rarely do we let people see all of us when we open the front door. We are deathly afraid to have the demolition. Afraid to bring down all the walls. The probing question our actions dance around is this: if I unveil all of who I am, who I really am, will the other person stay? Our greatest fear is that we show up in a relationship, we have the demo day, we bring down the walls to create this open space, and the other person looks at it and says This isn’t what I signed up for. You’re too much. The parts of you that you are most fearful of bringing to me, actually, when you bring those things I’m going to leave. It terrifies us. But while we fear demo day, it is also the the thing we want most. We crave acceptance — not rejection — at that critical juncture. We want to tear down the walls and have a different reception: Babe you are incredible. I love every part of you. Even the parts that are under construction. We want someone to witness the breaking and putting back together. We want someone to marvel at the beautiful thing we become. And yes, we want them to work alongside us as we become this beautiful thing. Total acceptance. Joy in the journey. Anticipating the outcome. HGTV has taught me many things. It’s taught me that subway tile is *always* a suitable back splash. That killer biceps are a result of scrubbing bathtubs. And that sometimes, real estate agents are glorified marriage counselors. But most importantly, it’s taught me the gravity of segmentation, the value of demolition, and yes, the beauty of redemption. Men are freaking incredible. As a female, I feel relatively alone in this assertion. Too much talk about ‘toxic masculinity.’ Too many workplace females trash-talking their husbands in the break room. Overall, too much negative talk about men. Well, here’s to being very unpopular. Let me tell you what I absolutely love about masculinity. Men are present. I love how men lean in and listen when I speak. I love how engaged and attentive they are, how they probe my mind in such a way that makes me feel, in that moment, like I am their whole world. When I am all over the place, masculinity provides a grounded presence — a safe place for my thoughts to land. I love how they fearlessly speak the truth, regardless of outcome or perception. And how they encourage me to do the same. I love how men lead. How they take control of things. Not in such a way that stifles me, but in a way that gets the ball rolling while happily welcoming my input. I love the way they hold space for me to flourish. Their low-key charming ability to get me to laugh in any situation. They step up so as not to leave me in the dust, but rather, so I can have a worthwhile shoulder partner when I take a step forward. And…romance. I love how they know exactly when I need a back rub. Or a bar of a chocolate. Or a soft touch on the small of my back. Masculinity wants to please, desperately, and they do this with their presence. Their unapologetic, focused, and intentional presence. And it is marvelous. Men are protectors. There is something in the heart of man that compels him to protect. When someone is in distress or trouble, masculinity rises to the occasion — to provide solutions, to provide comfort, and often, to provide rescue. Feed My Starving Children, Compassion International, Destiny Rescue — all founded by men. Men who saw children, the most vulnerable of our society, in trouble and took massive action to protect them. I’ve had men do this in my life on a smaller scale. They tell me to text them when I’ve arrived home safely. They ask how they can help after I’ve had a rough day. They protect me when it comes to who I date. I’ve had men steer me away from a ‘bad egg’ of a guy, and the opposite, push me toward someone who would value and treasure me. I don’t have any brothers, but for those women who have, I’m sure you could add to this list. Men are providers. Men feel the pressure to provide for their families in a way that I don’t think I will ever understand. I sort of get it, being a single woman, single earner household, but whenever I talk to men about financial pressures, I quickly realize what I’m feeling doesn’t come close to what they are feeling. According to the Bureau of Labor statistics, males account for 92.5% of work fatalities, even though they make up half the workforce. Men are willing to take dangerous jobs, jobs that many women do not take, in order to provide for their families. These are primarily jobs in infrastructure: fishing, logging, iron and steel, construction. These are decent, hard-working men, who risk their lives daily to provide for their families. They have my utmost respect. Men provide for me in small ways. They pick up the dinner tab. They lend me their jacket when I am cold. They order me an Uber when I need a ride home. They show up to help me move to a new apartment — 4th floor, no elevator, in the pouring rain. Most importantly, they provide a safe container to air my thoughts, which later, germinate, and become my dreams. ❤ I get it. It’s the 21st century and women can provide for themselves (present company included). But ladies, can we be a bit vulnerable and admit that it feels good being looked after? Let me address one more topic of conversation that has been bugging me: men in the workplace. My biggest workplace cheerleaders have been men. The few people who have encouraged me in my career, mentored me, and coached me have been men. At my previous job, my director actually created a new position for me. He had to push hard for it. He had to have some difficult conversations with senior leaders to make it happen. He spent his own relational capital to get it done. Because it was the right thing to do. Don’t tell me men want to repress women. I’m living proof to the contrary. The vast majority of men want to see women flourish, including at work. The *approved* cultural narrative may be to look down on masculinity, but when I speak to women privately, I continue to hear the same thing: story after story of men who have encouraged and promoted women to leadership positions. And not because they’re checking some “wokeness” box, but because they recognize their value. From where I’m standing, I don’t see a glass ceiling. I see the sky. It’s blue, and expansive, and bright with possibilities. There’s no corporate boogeyman. No systemic *Man*-a Carta holding women back. It’s just us and our dreams — and the people in our corner who will help us get there. So then why. Why are men suddenly suspect? Why do I feel society’s judgment when I celebrate men and masculinity? While yes, there are a few “toxic” men out there, lord sure knows we have our fair share of “toxic” women as well. Some men do stupid, mean, conniving shit. Well guess what. Some women do stupid, mean, conniving shit too. Sorry to break the internet, but unfavorable behavior is not unique to one sex. Some people are jerks. I don’t attribute that to their “manness” or “womanness.” I just see them as an individual who happens to be a jerk. No need to make sweeping generalizations. No need to criminalize an entire gender. I just encountered a jerk, that’s all. Don’t mind me as I move on with my day. Ladies who put down masculinity, I have a question for you. I’m asking because I care, both about your flourishing and your future. What is your end goal? If it’s to achieve parity, we already have that. If it’s to hold bad actors accountable, we can do that on an individual basis without implicating innocents. If it’s to advance your own interests, this is certainly not the way to do it. Do you think that low of your own aptitude that the only foreseeable way to secure your success is to negate someone else’s? What a chilling thought indeed. We need men. Not because women can’t do things on their own, but because our success is contingent on society’s success, and no society can succeed by demonizing half of it’s population. It’s not sustainable. The kind of world I want to live in is one where no one is suspect simply based on their gender, a world where all people have an equal opportunity to succeed. This includes men — our husbands, our sons, our male co-workers and friends. The essence of masculinity is the taking of responsibility. It’s not his steak grilling prowess, his affinity for football, or the number of his sexual partners that makes a man *masculine* — it’s the way he provides, protects, and is present for those in his life.
I’ll say it again. Men are freaking incredible. Masculinity is marvelous. And until I see evidence to the contrary, I will continue to believe both of these things.
Hello, friends!
I have a real treat for you today. I was recently on the Wake Up To Real Love podcast with Dawn Richard (whose sweetness, you will find out, is exceeded only by her insight). Going on a podcast was minimally terrifying for me. Writing, while vulnerable in many respects, is 'safe' in others. For example, with writing you have a greater level of control. You have time to determine things are *just right* before publishing to the world. Podcasts are another story. You don't have time to curate your response. It's real-time. It's raw. It's different. I did it anyways. Because that's what life is - you show up even when you want to run the other direction. And I must say - I'm so glad I did. No topic is off the table in this podcast where we cover:
Check it out below! MaryBeth xx
I grew up borderline Amish.
I’m not talking the white puffy hats, buggies, and handcrafted furniture. I mean, I grew up not watching TV. It’s not that we didn’t have a TV in the house (we did), it’s that we spent our time elsewhere — reading. The highlight of the week was my mom taking my sister and I to the library where we would pick out our weekly book selection. I would peruse the shelves with the methodicity of a lawyer in search of loopholes. What care I’d take to pick out my selection and bring the towering stack to the circulation desk! Secretly hoping, of course, that the clerk wouldn’t notice I had one book over the takeout limit. Grand Theft Novel. My rebel streak runs deep. I thank my lucky stars daily that I was raised this way — to value the world of imagination, curiosity, and reading, over more shallow pursuits. Much has changed in my life in the last two decades: I became an English Lit major, an Educator, an IT Trainer, an Engagement Manager, and now — an Operations Manager by day and an avid writer by night/lunch breaks. Oh, and I started watching TV ;) But this much has remained: I am a reader to my core. I’ve studied literature, I’ve taught it, and most importantly, I live it. I’ve read 1,000+ books in these first three decades of my life. While I’m allergic to grand sweeping statements, at the risk of dissembling, I need to let the title of this article stand: these books did change my life. Some came crashing down with all the grace of a drunken dock worker intent on up-heaving the status quo. Quick change, rapid results, lots of collateral damage. Others came on more gradually, like a silent invasion. So-so when reading them, but for months after, the truths therein continuing to bloom and amaze as I implemented them in my day-to-day-life. Regardless of if they fluttered or steamrolled in, the lessons gleaned from these 30 books are here to stay. In my blood, in my brain, in my actions. I am the product of their tutelage, and Teach, I gotta say, thanks. I present to you: The 30 books that changed my life. (in no particular order, broken up by genre) Personal Development
Human Dynamics
Fiction
Philosophy & Non-Fiction
So there you have it. The 30 books that changed my life. Not that you asked, but the selection and elimination process behind creating this list was quite brutal. So many hurt book feelings on my shelf right now. I have to go make nice. But before I depart, I must know: Which books changed your life? Asking for myse… errr… a friend 😉 Dad jokes are a thing. Can we get #MomLines trending too? My mom is a superhero. I could gush about her till kingdom come. I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t always appreciate her, but as an adult, I do now. She sends me good morning texts every day. She’s the first to read my articles. She’s my greatest coach, ally, and friend. And she makes the best damn biscotti on planet earth. While she’s genuinely sweet, she’s also really... weird. Weird in an endearing sort of way. She’s said some pretty bizarre things to me growing up. Perhaps the full list will becomes it’s own book someday. Until then, I’ve compiled a best-of-the-best. Her top five oddest phrases that life has proven to be 100% accurate. #1 If you’re smart, people will leave you alone. My mom immigrated to the United States in her teens. The kids at school teased her on account of her broken English and not-very-American clothes. While she was so-so in reading, she was a whiz at math. One day in class, the teacher made a math error on board. My mom noticed it, raised her hand, and politely let the teacher know. The teacher applauded her in front of the class, and made the necessary correction on the board. From that day forward, the other kids stopped teasing her. My mom would tell me that story over and over again. Not because she has dementia. Not because it makes her look like a badass (it does). She would tell that story to remind me that stepping up my game is the only way to deal with naysayers. If you prove yourself, the less-thans will avoid you. Your excelling accentuates the gap between you and them, which is painful for their ego. When you’re out of their league, they’ll leave you alone. Then you can go after your dreams. #2 Nothing good happens after midnight. This line actually predates my mom one generation: my soft-spoken, yet tough-as-nails grandpa would say it while enforcing a midnight curfew for my mom and her siblings. I technically didn’t have a curfew because I was a self-imposed recluse. My sister, on the other hand, was a wild child and always pushed the curfew envelope, to which my mother would say: nothing good happens after midnight. She’s absolutely right. I challenge you to name one edifying out-of-the-house activity that occurs after midnight. I’ll wait. If it’s going on after midnight, there’s a strong likelihood it offers so no real benefit to your life. #3 If you clean as you go, you’ll never have to “clean”. Most of my life I’ve lived alone. Very rarely have I had roommates, but when I have, the veracity of this statement would stick out like a man in a woman’s shoe store. One particular roommate left dirty plates stacked in the sink, large chip particles on the floor from her midnight eatwalking rendezvous, dirty clothes in random piles in the living room — all to ‘clean’ on Sunday. This is a foreign concept to me. My mom had a rule — clean as you go. For example, when cooking dinner, you wash the dirty dishes while the food is preparing: wash the cutting board after putting the ingredients in the bowl; wash the bowl after putting the ingredients in the pot; wash the pot after putting the food on the plate. Then, when it’s time to eat, there are no dishes left to wash! Other offshoots: if you notice crumbs on the floor, vacuum them right away; if you notice the trash is full, take it out; if you notice the bathtub requires attention, scrub it straightaway. The underlying premise is this — attend to things as they happen. If you do, you’ll never need a ‘cleaning day.’ #4 Tidy space, tidy mind. I’m not sure she actually said this one quite as succinctly, but the basic tenet was communicated in many more words and gestures (she’s Italian, so of course there were gestures). If your room is cluttered, your mind will be cluttered. In order to think clearly your space has to be clear of distractions. I’m equally appalled and incredulous when I walk into people’s homes or offices to see an utter mess. How do they get anything done? I cannot be productive if my surroundings are messy. Tidy space, tidy mind. #5 Success requires no explanation. My senior year of high school I took all AP classes. By choice. I knew this would get me into my university of choice. It came, of course, with hours of homework each night and a 5 hour sleep schedule. What my mom *didn’t* do was tell me to take easier classes or choose a different school. She would have been proud of me regardless, but she knew this was my dream and that this is what it would take to get there. So instead, every night, she would brew me a pot of strong, stove-top espresso and bring it to my bedroom where I studied. Work your a** off. Do whatever it takes to get over the finish line. All nighters, espresso shots, consistent grind. Once you succeed, no one is going to ask you to explain yourself. You’ll get a congratulations. You’ll get adulation. You’ll get respect. What you won’t get is someone demanding you explain yourself. That only happens when you fail. ‘Showing your work’ only matters when you get the math problem wrong. If you get the thing right, the scrutiny isn’t there — you have already arrived. So put in the work and get across the finish line, because success requires no explanation. I wonder at what point lines become mom lines. Is it the ‘mom’ title that makes the pithy one-liners more disarming? Is the daily, captive audience with which to practice part of the success? Does the act of raising children activate a special wisdom genome? I’d like to think I say plenty of insightful things throughout the course of my day. But right now I’m just the quirky girl armed with quips and killer red lipstick. Some day I hope to have mom lines. More than anything though, I hope to be at least half the woman my mom is.
That would be success. ❤ I have always been a contrarian at heart. I recall watching home videos (remember those?) of childhood birthday parties, usually my sister’s. I was shocked at how infrequently I was actually in the videos due to my penchant to abandon whatever the prescribed activity was and play by myself. Seriously, it’s 30 minutes of the kids oooing and ahhhing around my gregarious sister as she unwraps her giant barbie house, and just 30 seconds of me, across the basement, at the Play Kitchen Set happily cooking an imaginary omelette. I was quiet & well-behaved so adults tended to let me do what I wanted. This is probably where my independent — some might say stubborn — spirit was born. Independent child, party of one. To this day, I’m still intrepidly independent. I’d rather speak up in a large meeting than sit silently confused. I’d rather be happily alone than miserably coupled. I’d rather do my own thing that makes me insanely happy, than genuflect to the crowd. I find crowds uncomfortable and stifling. I’d rather have a quiet night to myself, a few friends, or a date. The air is crisper. I can hear and honor my own thoughts. There’s more space to be me. Something happens when we meet an independent person that is really hard to explain. We become incredibly attracted to them — either platonically or romantically, sometimes both. We want to be around them. We want to hear their thoughts and see what they see. We want to inhabit their space. Here’s what I’ve noticed about independence. It has two parts. Independence is owning the responsibility for taking care of yourself, while desiring and making space for others. I can do it on my own, yet I still want you. That’s independence. Most people think independence is ‘I can do it on my own and I don’t want anyone else.’ That’s not independence, that’s unavailability. For goodness sake, when it comes to love, leave such a person alone! They clearly don’t have space for you in their life. When someone says they don’t want anyone else — either through their words or actions — we need to believe them. We need to stop trying to launch relationship reformations in other peoples lives. How arrogant are we to think we know people better than they know themselves. It’s foolishness. We have no idea what has happened in someone’s life to make them the way they are. If a person is unavailable, their journey to healing is one they need to be make on their own, without our intervention. Independence is ‘I can do it on my own but if you gave me the choice, I’d rather have someone with me.’ Someone to build with, to share with, to help carry the load. An independent woman is someone who has her sh*t together — financially, emotionally, mentally — but when you offer to help her she gladly and cheerfully accepts. An independent man is someone who can take care of things on his own, but is completely comfortable with a nurturing presence, with being looked after by his partner. Independence means being comfortable in your own skin and admitting that that skin wants some companionship. Needing something or someone doesn’t make you needy. Most people think independence means I don’t need you. Again, that’s unavailability. Independence is I don’t have to need you, but god, I want to need you. Independence is vulnerable, it’s self-aware, and most-importantly, it seeks the higher thing — fulfilling relationships. An independent person realizes that they can do it on their own, but life is more fun and rewarding with others. I still go off on my own.
I’m a grown woman, but sometimes, still feel like that little girl who walks away from the festivities to go make an imaginary omelette. Many of my friends are married and happily so. From where I stand — I love my job, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my apartment, I love the coffee shop down the block with the friendly barista. In sum: I love my life and I love my world. At the same time, I’m dating. I’m vulnerable and open to building a life with someone, provided I meet the right person. I know this is something that I want and something that I’m actively pursuing. I’m also completely willing to walk away when things are not working. I’m going to go over here and make an omelette, mkay bye. That’s where the independent spirit comes in. I think a lot of people are in this boat. And it’s more than okay. It’s beautiful. Most people would call this ‘not settling’ but to me, it looks a lot more like ‘not willing to be unhappy.’ Life is too short to be unhappy. If you have a life you love, why would you add something to it that will make you miserable? Doesn’t make much sense. My happily ever after is now. And if I find someone worthy to share it with me, even better. Till then, I’m going to go make an omelette. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we’ll ever have. Period. At the risk of sounding grandiose, let me state it more concretely: our thoughts and feelings about ourselves determine our life trajectory. Without realizing it, we download ‘scripts’ from society and our circles of influence that tell us how to view ourselves and others. These scripts serve as our success blueprint and teach us how to live our lives. The past year I’ve been re-evaluating the scripts. All of them. I’m asking myself: Are these true? Are these kind? Do these still serve me? It’s a humbling exercise. We don’t realize how much culture and ‘others’ permeate our psyche until we actually have to distinguish their impact. It becomes an effort in mental gymnastics; in suspending beliefs, radical detachment, and being open to ‘ah-ha’ moments that literally change the way we see everything. I about fell off my metaphorical chair when I started examining the self-esteem script handed down to me from the demanding warden we call culture. The self-esteem movement arose in the 1980s and has dominated childrearing, schooling, and the workplace ever since. If you grew up in the 80s or 90s, chances are this mindset is embedded deep in your operating system. It’s core tenet is this: if you improve a person’s self-concept, and tell them repeatedly that they are worthy, wonderful, and full of potential, this individual will become a productive and fulfilled member of society. In essence — self-esteem leads to success. The self-esteem culture brought us may things: participation trophies, schools focused on children's inherent specialness, positive reinforcement in the workplace. It also brought an implied guilt (albeit subconscious) that if you weren’t successful, it was because you didn’t believe in yourself. If you could just love yourself more, your life would be better, dammit. Here’s the problem. While the self-esteem culture has good intentions, it misses the mark. Gloriously. It addresses the *what* but not the *how* — it tells people to “be” a certain way without giving them the tools to get there. It’s a destination with no map. A fireplace with no fuel. All hype and no substance. It’s time we talk about what it actually takes for people to love themselves. Here’s problem #2. Deep down we know the answer already. We just don’t admit it because it’s so… unsexy. It requires us to acknowledge the link between love and hard work. The answer is self-control. The building blocks of a healthy self-concept start with individuals who can manage and adhere to their own expectations, boundaries, limits, and goals. A person who makes a promise to themselves and actually keeps it. A person who can control their limiting & self-destructive impulses. A person with a ripped self-control muscle. When we say we’re going to go to the gym 3 times a week, and instead, do thumb exercises…with the remote…on the couch…flipping through Netflix specials, we erode our self-control, and as a result, our self-esteem. When we say we’re going on a diet and then proceed to eat unhealthily, we erode our self-control, and subsequently, our self-esteem. When we say we’re going to get serious about our love life, and then don’t approach attractive people in public, we subconsciously respect ourselves less because our actions don’t align with what we said was important to us. Think about a time in your life when you felt really good about yourself. I mean, really good. Chances are you decided to focus on yourself and actually did it. You made a promise to yourself and actually fulfilled it. You had to do something really challenging and you showed the f*ck up to life. Most people erroneously think that you have to be a giant of self-confidence to accomplish stunning feats. Incorrect. You do the hard thing, then you get the confidence. That’s how it works. Not the other way around. Take the story of David and Goliath: a young man who slayed a giant with nothing but a slingshot. What most people don’t know is what led up to that mountaintop moment. David was born the eighth and youngest son. Literally the runt of the litter. Not exactly the prototype of strapping, self-confidence. At a young age he tended his father’s sheep, a job usually reserved for servants. Day in and day out he did dirty and rather demeaning work. He could have succumbed to the whims of pleasure and ego, but instead he was faithful to his post. He exercised self-control. This regular routine of doing the hard thing, the unglamorous, is what created his confidence and prepared him for his WWE match with Goliath. He developed his self-control, then had the mountaintop moment. That’s how it happens. Every time. How Self-Control Gives Birth To Self-Respect It’s also critically important to realize that self-control leads to self-respect. When we stay true to our word it engenders self-respect. We look on ourselves in a positive light because we did the thing we set out to do. Another pernicious lie associated with the self-esteem movement is that focusing on *liking* ourselves will get us where we need to go in life. Brutal truth: If we just focus on *liking* ourselves, we never will. If we focus on respecting ourselves, liking ourselves is a natural bi-product. What would you think of a person who repeatedly lets you down? You’d probably think very little of them. You’d probably think twice about becoming their friend, dating them, or trusting them with anything important. Now turn the scenario around. It’s you that’s letting you down. You say you’re going to do something and then you don’t do it. It’s no surprise you think very little of yourself; no one respects a person who can’t stay true to their word. We do it to ourselves through our lack of self-control. Self-control and self-respect set our altitude for living. Not our car, our paycheck, or our partner. None of these determine the quality of our well-being. We will only truly love ourselves when we respect ourselves, and we can only get self-respect through self-control. Think about anyone you love. I mean, really love. At the root of your love is respect. This is what separates ‘like’ from ‘love’: respect. Self-esteem ≠Success. It’s missing part of the equation. Instead, it’s: Self-Control → Self-Respect → Self-Esteem = Success How Self-Respect Impacts Our Relationship With Others Lest you think this is purely an act of gratuitous mirror-gazing, think again. Our degree of self-control and self-respect have a direct correlation on the health of our relationships. Said with less gravitas: We put up with sh*t in our relationships because we put up with it first in ourselves. I often look at couples who treat each other like garbage and wonder why they are still together. Why doesn’t one of them leave? The answer: they don’t respect themselves enough to do so. They’ve made so many compromises in the self-control department that their self-respect is eroded, and they truly believe they deserve no better. We cannot think for a moment that we will enjoy the fulfilling, life-giving relationships we desire without doing the hard work of self-control. It’s not because we don’t deserve incredible relationships. It’s because the process of developing our self-control and self-respect make us emotionally fit to receive such relationships. They are the training ground for the beautiful. The foundation for the house. The callouses that allow us to walk on the flames of glory without getting burnt. Friends, let’s steer the ship in the right direction. Let’s calibrate our compass to self-control and pursue that as our destination. We’ll be pleased to discover that our journey hones our self-respect and self-esteem along the way. When we do arrive, the destination looks a lot more like *success* than self-control. And guess what? There are incredible people there who have also made the grueling journey. We’ll swap sea stories and develop an instant bond — not because we’ve experienced the same things but because we share the same spirit, the same tenacity for doing the hard work of getting there.
And here, my friends, we cast our anchor. ❤ |
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