A Good & Spacious Land
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

4 Things That will Ruin Your Life (if You Let Them)

2/29/2020

7 Comments

 
BY MARYBETH GRONEK
Picture
Photo by Lauren Bending on mixkit
I've always been mesmerized by documentaries of people who experienced a taste of the afterlife. You know the story: the person died very briefly, saw bright lights, experienced warm & loving sensations, and then was pulled back to earth to proudly tell their tale.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I believe all of those stories, but to say I’m captivated by them would be a massive piece of understatement. There’s something inspiring and transcendent about coming back from a point of no return and then instructing others as an imperative.

I had a similar point of no return in my own life. I don’t claim to have seen heaven, but I sure have seen hell. And it was a hell of my own making.

I was 26 — broke, lonely, and just not where I wanted to be. I had “friends” who didn’t actually care about me, a job that didn’t value me, a threadbare bank account, and no prospects in my love life. I didn’t know how to stick up for myself. I didn’t know how to communicate my value in a productive manner. I didn’t know how to create wealth. I didn’t know how to date. In essence, I was glum about where I was in life and felt stuck in that I didn’t know how to move forward.

It was at this low point that I realized it was my own thinking that was holding me back. Actually, that’s too generous of a statement. It was my own thinking that was ruining my life. And from that point forward I had a long journey of conquering myself to slowly extirpate that toxic and self-destructive way of thinking.

Along the journey, I had an epiphany. I realized there were four things that were ruining my life. This unholy tetrad wreaks havoc wherever it is found. I share it in hopes that you too can spot it, remove it, and step into the life of abundance you were called to live.

1. Fear
That eerie spectre that looms large, stealing your joy and contentment under a cloud of ‘what if?’ Fear of not having enough money. Fear of speaking your mind. Fear of taking a new job and it not working out. Fear of committing to one partner. Fear of sticking your neck out and failing. Fear pertains to your future. Its focus is forward, it’s hues are extreme, it’s light is always negative, and its landscape is context-less. Fear will ruin your life because it immobilizes you — keeping you from taking necessary action to advance in life.

2. Pain
#1 and #2 are related. Fear is often a manifestation of unresolved pain. It’s being scared to do do what is right & necessary as a result of being burned in the past. The man whose heart was broken and uses pain as a reason to never be vulnerable again. The abused child who grows up and builds walls around her heart. The walls that keep out pain but also keep out love.

Pain pertains to your past. Its gaze is backward, its palate is grim, its characters are grizzly and one-dimensional, and its decision-making is irrational. Pain will ruin your life because it allows you to make decisions contrary to your own interests. In trying to protect yourself, you end up limiting yourself. Pain still rules over you, the dominion-less master that continues to steal from you because you let him. Pain is your old landlord — except you’ve bought a home now and he has no business showing up and demanding things of you. But you still listen. And you keep giving.

3. Excuses
Abundance is one step away from taking responsibility for your actions. An excuse: seemingly innocent, yet completely destructive. It’s the reason why you’ve been passed up for a promotion, again. It’s the reason why your kids won’t talk to you. It’s the reason why your ex broke up with you. Excuses pertain to your present. When confronted with your own shortcomings, your knee-jerk reaction is to defend: here is why I did that. Observe my beautiful reasons and you’ll understand. I don’t know why we do this. Excuses make us look weaker, not stronger. They kill our impact and gut any sort of respect people had of us hitherto. When confronted with your failings — whether big or small — there is only *one* response that is suitable: You know what. You’re right. I missed the mark, & I see how that negatively impacted you. I will do better going forward.

4. Guilt
Some people use “guilt” as a soft synonym for “pain,” but that isn’t quite right. Pain relates to your past, and often, to things done to you. Guilt pertains to your choices and is a direct response of things done by you. Maybe you made a poor decision that had a terrible ripple effect. Maybe you had a drink when you told yourself you wouldn’t. Maybe you weren’t present and engaged while your kids were growing up, and they’ve made a mess of their life and you feel responsible. Guilt hovers between past, present, and future. It’s the ghost that knows no boxes and goes where it pleases. It’s also the ghost who is ravenous, and everlastingly until you lean into acceptance. This means extending grace for what you have done and accepting what has become. Making peace with all that was and is — it’s the only thing that starves guilt and makes a brighter future possible.

Notice the common denominator in all four — you. You are the biggest obstacle in your way. You are Public Enemy #1 in your own story, both the protagonist and the antagonist. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Don’t for a second buy into the lie that other people will ruin your life. That’s intellectually lazy and counterproductive. The more you make your own shortcomings about other people, the less you will succeed. That grievance you have against others? That blame-filled conga line of so-and-so is the reason I’m not happy, or successful, or don’t have the life I want? As Elsa would say, you’ve got to let it go. Others aren’t culpable for what you’ve done with your life. You need to have the funeral for that line of thinking. I say this not as someone from the outside looking in, but as someone on the receiving end of the very grievances you are citing. I’ve been through hell and back at the expense of other people. Yes, others’ actions may have impacted where I am today, but continuing to blame them doesn’t move the needle in my own life. Not one iota. Me owning my life and decisions moving forward does.


What “happened” to you is just the prologue. You write all the forthcoming chapters. The chapters are rich with your adventure, your actions, your stumblings, your triumphs, and most importantly, your agency. You are the protagonist. Never forget that.

And for goodness sake, stop living in the prologue. Can I let you in on a little secret? When I read a book, I usually skip the prologue. Most people don’t care (or care very little) about what got you here. They are more concerned with the person in front of them and what that person is going to do going forward. “Prologue you” matters very little. “Chapter you” matters much more. It’s where the story is lived. It’s where the character depth is woven and worked out. In short, it’s where the magic happens.
​
Guard those chapters like a prized jewel. Be vigilant in your thinking. It’s your own fear, pain, excuses, and guilt that detract from everything that journey could be. Join my tenacity in ripping out those dangerous weeds along the journey’s path. We were made for more than smallness and self-sabotage. Any success, anything worth having in life, is preceded first by conquering oneself.
​
I’m going to walk into today — and every day forthcoming — with the belief that I hold the keys to my own flourishing. I hope you’ll join me.
7 Comments
Ann Ussishkin
3/2/2020 07:16:23 am

I love my life and that is all -- Ann Ussishkin

Reply
MaryBeth
3/6/2020 04:28:25 pm

I love that, Ann!

Reply
Connie
3/2/2020 09:24:00 am

This is truly a heartfelt article MaryBeth! It is hopeful in its message and poignant in its examples. I particularly like the image of pulling up and ripping out the Four weeds you describe which choke the beautiful plant which is our life. If we leave them, they will grow wild and steal the nutrients our life plant needs to grow and bloom. I also know about the walls we sometimes build when we are most vulnerable and hurt. They keep out the pain for a while but also keep out the nurturing love which is around us. I do read the prologues because I do want to know how we got here. The past is part of who we are and has shaped us and should not be dismissed. Yes, the Chapter which is today is being written by what we do now and how we view the world and our place in it right now. So, let us be engaged people of strength and determination and let us venture together in hope and grow beautifully in this rich and fertile soil of life.

Reply
MaryBeth
3/6/2020 04:27:44 pm

Thanks so much for reading & engaging with the content in such a meaningful way!!

Reply
Diane
3/6/2020 12:00:30 pm

MaryBeth- You are so strong, resilient, and powerful! All of that comes through in what you write. These 4 points can really get in our way if we don't keep them under control.

Thank you for sharing so much of you!

Reply
MaryBeth
3/6/2020 04:28:09 pm

Thank you so much, Diane!! Your words mean so much to me <3

Reply
Cedar Rapids Carpenters link
9/29/2022 10:04:49 pm

Thiss was lovely to read

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Previous Posts

    • The Power of Resilience
    • Are Your Dreams Moving You Forward?
    • Check Your Default Settings
    • How To Remain Positive During Your Pandemic Job Search
    • Hold Please. I Need To Process In Solitude
    • Missed Connection
    • Stuck, Stagnant, Or Frozen?
    • 5 TV Personalities Are Getting Me Through This Pandemic
    • What Is Something Worth?
    • What "Just Be Yourself" Really Means
    • Driving Beyond The Basics
    • Walking Squared - The Path To Success
    • 7 *Low Key* Signs Of A Dangerous Person
    • Unscript Your Relationships
    • 5 Ways To Know You're *Truly* Over Someone
    • "People-Pleasing" Is The Deception We've Always Wanted
    • Increasing Your Joy During Crisis
    • Love In The Time Of COVID-19
    • How To Lead In A Time Of Crisis
    • Using 'I' versus 'We'
    • 5 Signs You're Dealing With A Mentally Strong Person
    • A Large Glass Of Water
    • 4 Things That Will Ruin Your Life (If You Let Them)
    • 3 Guideposts from the Psychology of Leadership
    • Tell Me What You're All About And I'll Show You Your Insecurity
    • That's Just The Way It Is... I Don't Have a Choice
    • The Art Of Being The Dumbest Person In Any Room
    • Finding Your Resolve​
    • How To Fight Fair
    • I Was Fired Five Times - Here's What I Learned
    • What I Look For In A Partner
    • What HGTV Taught Me About Relationships
    • Masculinity Is Marvelous
    • How To Be Seen And Known In Relationships
    • Here Are The 30 Books That Changed My Life
    • Bizarre "Mom Lines" That Are Shockingly Accurate
    • The Misunderstood - Yet Sexy - Personality Trait That Gets Terrible P.R.
    • The *Real* Reason People Don't Like Themselves
    • Date Like A Jedi - Six (Secret) Weapons To A Dating Life You Love
    • What We All Want Out Of Life - And Why We Don't Have It
    • You're Not A *Catch* And Neither Am I​
    • Why Women Lose Interest - It's Two Things
    • Are You A Faux Friend? 12 Traits of Real Friendship
    • On Seizing An Opportunity - And It's Unexpected Catalyst
    • My Roommate's Cat Is Teaching Me About Vulnerability
    • Sweet Land of Liberty​
    • The Lies We Tell Ourselves are Our Greatest Source of Suffering
    • 'Live For Others' Is A Lie​
    • What We Really Want In Any Relationship​
    • How Come You Achieve So Much And Celebrate So Little
    • Write Emails People Actually Want To Read
    • Weathered People Are The Best Sort Of People
    • Stop Rejecting Compliments
    • My Friend Is Suffering And I Want To Avoid Her
    • Ultimatums Are A Myth
    • The Importance of Being a Jerk (some of the time)
    • The #1 Thing People Get Wrong About Success
    • No, Time Does Not Heal, But Here's What Does
    • Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice
    • How Women Become Strong
    • Have Your Cake And Eat It Too: How To Be Spontaneous And Punctual
    • Never Run Dry: The Fuel Every Relationship Needs
    • What Else Can Go Wrong
    • Ouch. That Hurts.
    • Lean in, Abundance Awaits

    Archives by Month

    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Site powered by Weebly. Managed by Namecheap
Photos from striatic, Rosmarie Voegtli, NaPhi Media, Free for Commercial Use, EpicTop10.com, www.ilkkajukarainen.fi, verchmarco (CC BY 2.0), davidstewartgets, MorseInteractive, Archives New Zealand, Rawpixel Ltd, mugley, Got Credit, verchmarco
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Subscribe
  • Contact