Blog Archives

What I Look For in a Partner - It's Two things

12/8/2019

Photo by Joshua Coleman on Unsplash

*cue soft lighting, red wine, and Frank Sinatra music*

I was recently on a date where the gentleman across the table leaned in and said part charmingly, part with low-key exasperation, “I don’t know what you women want. You’re all so…different.” It was an odd moment for me. I presume this women-are-mysterious sentiment arises fairly often guy to guy. You know, water cooler talk. But it was the first time I had been the recipient of such a declaration. And it made me wonder. Is he right?

Yes and no.

When I first started dating as a twenty-something, what I wanted from a partner was pretty straightforward — chemistry, charisma, and overall hotness factor. I tended to gravitate toward dynamic individuals; men with the ability to achieve much, interact well, look great, and spark attraction. I was status-struck. The shy guy would never even hit my radar. I was looking to be swept off my feet by a larger-than-life character. Part of me still wants this.

As I became more seasoned in relationships, I realized this framework was one dimensional and didn’t get me what I truly wanted. I kept involving myself with men who were dynamic individuals but weren’t treating me well long term. See, my original framework had everything to do with the guy and who he was — and *nothing* to do with how he interacted with me. The man of my dreams quickly became the man of my nightmares. I have since learned that how a man interacts with me is more important than who he is in isolation.

I don’t presume to speak for all women. I only know my own evolution on attraction. Looking back though, I can say with confidence that what I want now was what I wanted back then — I simply lacked the awareness to recognize it or the words to articulate it.

But I do now. It’s two things. And let me tell you, I look for them early and often. This benchmark has enabled me to cut through the riffraff with rapidity and find amazing men much faster. Women, let’s not buy into the delusion that high-quality men aren’t out there. What we lack isn’t options, rather a framework to discover them. Here is mine.

In the early stages of dating, I look for emotional intelligence and emotional availability.
Let’s unpack what these look like in action.

Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence is the capacity and ability to care for self and others.

Ownership of Actions. I could have easily labeled this bullet ‘maturity,’ but people throw that word around without even considering what it means. So I’ll tell you — it’s ownership. Ownership of life, actions, and consequences. When a man doesn’t behave properly and I call him on it, I pay attention to his response. Is it excuses or ownership? For example: he shows up very late, or he cancels half an hour before, or his response time to calls/texts are sloth-like speed. If his reaction to any of these situations is a salad of excuses, he lacks emotional intelligence. When someone gives me excuses they think they’re justifying their behavior, but in fact, they’re showing me they lack the capacity to see how their actions affect others. You may have a damn good excuse: family drama, heavy workload, you caught 3 trains on the way to pick me up. All valid. But remember, while you have your rationale, I have my reality — which is that you missed the mark. When emotionally intelligent people mess up, they don’t present excuses — they take responsibility for how their actions impacted the reality of others. You know what, you’re right. My response time has been slower lately. I realize how that may have communicated that I don’t care about you, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Now that I know this is important to you I will strive to do better. That’s ownership. And it’s so hot.
Fills an observable need. When he sees a need, he doesn’t wait for permission to fill it. When I’m swamped at work he Postmates my favorite meal for lunch. When he notices I lack adequate shelving in my bathroom he builds (or buys!) me a unit. When he sees an elderly woman struggling to carry her bags, he crosses the street and helps her. A huge part of emotional intelligence is stepping outside of oneself to recognize the needs of others and then acting on one’s agency to provide remedy. It’s one of the things I treasure most about being in a relationship — a man who sees needs and fills them. It makes me feel looked after and safe.
Comfortable with others’ emotions. I’m a pretty even-keeled person. But every now and then I get swept up in highs and lows, whether they are little frustrations or big disappointments. I need to be able to cry, to fully feel and express my emotions, and for my partner to hold space for me in that moment. Not to awkwardly laugh it off. Not to change the subject in an effort to distract. Not to run away (temporarily or for good). To hold me in that moment with no expectations. An emotionally intelligent man knows, in these moments, to ask What do you need from me right now. And then to do it.
Willingness to have courageous conversations. No one likes conflict, but any healthy relationship requires it. I look for a man who not only initiates courageous conversations, but is also a non-hostile recipient of one. When something bothers him he tells me about it in a clear, straightforward sort of way. When something bothers me and I bring it up, he calmly listens with a genuine desire to make it better. He doesn’t flare up, get defensive, or close off. An emotionally intelligent person realizes that courageous conversations are necessary for the growth of each person and the deepening of the relationship. The quality of any relationship is proportionate to the degree to which difficult conversations are embraced.
Resilience in the face of adversity. Like conflict, adversity is inevitable. It’s important for me to see how a man handles hard things. This can be difficult to see in action right away, but if I ask the right questions, I can get a fairly good idea early on. I pay close attention to what he chooses to share and the things he’s most proud of. Is it the mountaintop moments or the grit it took to get there? Does he have more pride in his material possessions or the obstacles he’s overcome? Does he share only the highlight reel of his week and avoid more raw, real moments? And now let’s look at actions: how does he behave in the face of adversity? If he has a challenging week at the office and pulls away, that tells me he will only be present in my life when things are good. Which is so YAWN. If, on the other hand, he leans in to the relationship during that challenging week, I know he’s resilient and can withstand the weight of adversity — whether it be his or mine. So, so sexy.

Emotional Availability
Emotional availability is the capacity to make space for others.

Absence of the ‘Me Too’ conversational tactic. For such a damning habit, it’s shocking how very little awareness there is regarding its inevitable collision-bound finish. Newsflash: not every conversation has to relate to your life. There’s no bigger turn-off than when I’m telling someone about my day, or something cool that I did, and they interrupt me, mid-story, to tell me about when something similar happened to them. Suddenly, it’s 5 minutes later and we’re still talking about them, and I’m sitting there thinking Hey man, what about me and my story? Such a person is unable to get curious about you because their thoughts are completely self-absorbed. Their mental real-estate is house after house of Me Myself and I. No room on the block for anyone else. The good news is, you can spot this habit right after meeting someone. An emotionally available man is able to make space for others in conversation. This means avoiding the tendency to co-opt someone’s story, one-up them, or constantly feel the need to “relate” to things. Instead, an emotionally available man lets the other person finish their story, asks follow-up questions, and gets curious about the individual in front of them.
Leans in after moments of intimacy. A wise person one told me that disclosure is the currency of intimacy. When I choose to disclose something, I’m laying the building blocks of intimacy, which you can build on by reciprocating. There’s a certain type of person who has puzzled me: the person who, after a moment of intimacy (whether physical or emotional), pulls away. Their texts become an exercise in how-few-words-can-I-type. Their phone calls become infrequent. Mind you I’m not talking about someone who isn’t interested, although the outward behavior looks similar. I’m talking about the person who, while crazy about you, is keeping themselves from you after a disclosure. This person, by their actions, communicates that they lack the capacity to maintain relationship with someone who knows them on a deeper level. It’s fear. Fear of being known. Or, more accurately, fear of being known and then rejected. If you never know the real me you can never reject the real me. It’s protection. I’m attracted to men who, after moments of intimacy, show up stronger not weaker, with more presence not less. Men who lean into intimacy, acknowledge the fear and the risk involved, and choose to proceed anyway. That’s courage.
Steady, increased investment. An emotionally available man will gradually invest more in me — time, resources, energy — as the relationship progresses. We all have examples of the opposite. Mr. Hot-And-Cold. The man who pursues and pursues and then one month in completely disappears or suddenly starts sending 3 word texts. Two steps forward, 3,000 steps back. This is so incredibly unattractive. Someone who does this communicates they don’t have space for another person in their life. That they can’t be counted on to be consistent — with love or otherwise. Emotionally available men do the opposite. They gradually increase their level of investment over time. The longer I pursue you, the better it gets. That’s the motto their actions convey. And that steadiness allows me to trust my developing feelings for them.
Appreciates me for me, not just for the way I make him feel. A person who makes space for you makes space for all of you, not just the happy-go-lucky you, the *convenient* you that makes him feel good. I adore men who take the good with the bad. And, when I’m in my “bad,” don’t bail because it’s no longer making them feel good. Too many people mistake loving a person for loving the way the person makes them feel. As soon as I start expressing desires that contradict his, how does he respond? When he has to choose between what he wants and what I want, does he gladly make the choice or does he stop “loving” me. If it’s the latter, he didn’t love me to begin with — he loved the way I made him feel, and now, since I am no longer making him feel good, he severs the tie. It’s selfishness, which is ground zero for the emotionally unavailable. Treasuring someone for who they are and not what they can give is true love. It’s not transactional. And it is rooted in a genuine appreciation for the other individual. Only an emotionally available person can do this.

In sum, emotional intelligence is I know how to care for you. Emotional availability is I know how to make space for you. Both are needed. If you have the ability to care for me but don’t make space for me in your life, that’s a problem. If you make space for me, but you don’t know how to treat me once I’m there — also a problem. Both emotional intelligence and emotional availability are required to make things work. No amount of chemistry can make up for a lack on either side. Long term, that is ;)

And why do I seek these things in the early stages, you ask? The early moments with a person are the biggest predictor of future action. Not their words. Or intentions. Certainly not my fairy-tale perception of their untapped potential. If someone is emotionally intelligent and emotionally available early on with the little things, chances are they will be later on as well, when it really counts.

I realize I may have rubbed some of you the wrong way with the mention of ‘emotional’ anything. Men aren’t emotional, you’re thinking. Another woman trying to feminize men. That couldn’t be further from the truth. What I am saying is that I like men who can bear the weight of challenges. Who don’t cower from hard things. Who can stand in the space of discomfort and be present and available in that space. Men mature enough to separate me from them, to embrace self-reflection, to pursue growth with self and others, and to believe the best version of themselves is ahead. This is the spirit behind emotional intelligence and emotional availability. It’s not watching Hallmark movies on the couch — it’s showing up to the relationship when things get hard. I can think of no stronger and more valuable trait a man can possess.

Because sooner or later, things will get hard, harder than you and I could ever imagine. Job loss out of nowhere. Sudden reverse of finances. Terrible news from the doctor. The last thing I want is someone who, in that moment, avoids and distracts, tries to tell me why I should be happy, or disappears altogether. In essence, someone who can’t bear the hardship with me. Because the only thing worse than being “single” when shit hits the fan is being alone in a relationship.

9 Comments

An Exciting Announcement for 2020 !!

What I Look For in a Partner - It's Two things

Previous Posts

Archives by Month

Categories

An *Exciting* Announcement for 2020 !!

What I Look For in a Partner - It's Two things

Previous Posts

Archives by Month

Categories

An Exciting Announcement for 2020 !!