Fight Fair - 6 Conflict Resolution Strategies to Live By

BY MARYBETH GRONEK

Photo by Arisa Chattasa on Unsplash

I used to think fights were a necessary evil. Something one just had to grit their teeth and endure, like taxes and holiday traffic. Do what you can to avoid them whenever possible. Unfortunately, for the majority of my life, abiding by this motto meant altering my behavior, my emotions, and sometimes even situational reality to make ‘okay’ things that were clearly not.

While I love my parents and am proud of the way I was raised, like every family, we had our issues. One of them was conflict. Oftentimes, we operated under a sweep-everything-under-the-rug mentality. Which worked until, of course, I tripped over the rug on account of the unspoken issues buried underneath. Arguments occurred sporadically, but when they did, *everything* came out. Fights were emotional, blame-based, circuitous, and consequently, rarely resolved anything. This cemented my belief that fighting was to be avoided. Not only unpleasant, but actually pointless.

As I got older, I found it challenging to maintain relationships with this mindset, both platonic and romantic. Either I had long-term relationships where I wasn’t speaking my mind, and therefore, harboring resentment and dissatisfaction. Or I had short-term ones where I was speaking up but in a way that was destructive. Hence, short-term.
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I have since had three epiphanies about conflict that have set me free:

1. Knowing how to navigate conflict is a precursor to happiness. I can’t be happy without meaningful, lasting relationships. And there are no meaningful, lasting relationships without conflict. So if I want to be happy I need to get good at conflict. Like Vulcan mind-meld good.
2. Fighting doesn’t mean anger — it means disagreement. Done poorly, anger is thrown in. But it doesn’t have to be. And that is the difference between productive fighting and chasing your tail…on a hamster wheel…in the dark, blindfolded.
3. Disagreements are an exercise in discovery. They are not about winning or losing, they are about getting to know ourselves and others better. They are sage teachers if we submit to their tutelage.

After embracing these epiphanies, I was able to re-train myself how to fight. I started experimenting with different approaches and strategies. And yes, my crash and burn rate was at epic proportions when I started. But I was trying. And at each attempt, I slowly got better. And better. And better.

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I love boxing.

I started a few years ago as a way to try something I might like but also might be terrible at (I have weird objectives, I know). I do the speed bag, pad work, punching bags. You know, the whole drenched in sweat thing. It’s good fun. And I feel like a badass.

I train with Sam Colonna, a legend in the boxing world. He’s down to earth, a straight shooter paisan-type with a gym on the Southwest side of Chicago. He collects more heading-in-the wrong-direction neighborhood kids than trophies. And that’s saying a lot because his gym is full of trophies. He turns their lives around (the kids, not the trophies). He’s like a second father to me.

There’s something he says fairly often: Don’t fight someone else’s fight. Fight your own fight.
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He’s right. In the ring when someone is coming after you, it’s really tempting to be reactive and fight back in a way that is playing into their hands. Suddenly, it’s their ring and you’re just living in it. Instead a good boxer will stay engaged, sidestep, and block calmly until their opponent is tired and they are back in control. A seasoned boxer knows what they want and then waits for their opening. Then they fight their fight.

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Disagreements in real life are much like fighting in a boxing ring. We have to know what we really want and fight our fight, not other peoples’. During a disagreement virtually *everyone* is going to come at you with their ego, their insecurities, and their words aimed to harm. Cool. That’s their fight, and I refuse to play it. You should too, because there’s something better out there. When it comes to disagreements, here’s what our “fight” should be — growing together, not apart, through the disagreement. Restorative conflict. That has to be our end goal and the undercurrent behind every sentiment we speak. If we want to get good at conflict, we need to get off the I’m Right-You’re-Wrong ride and get on the Let’s-Discover-Each-Other ride. And we have to decide right now that when others come at us with the former, we don’t engage on their terms. We block the punch, humbly, and then lead with the latter.

6 Terms of Engagement for Restorative Conflict.

1. Call out the behavior, not the individual. You’re terrible. You’re so selfish. You disappoint me. We’ve all heard — and shamelessly spoken — phrases like that. It’s attacking the person (not their behavior), and honestly, it’s a sign of weakness. It drips of insecurity, namely the speaker’s ability to engage with someone on the plain of ideas. Instead, try this phrase: “When you do _______ it makes me feel _________.” This narrows in on the behavior and focuses on the result — how it impacted you. Which is the whole reason why you’re bringing it up in the first place. This sentence has worked for me over and over again. It’s honest, it de-escalates, and most importantly it gets results.
2. Avoid exaggerated language. Notice, in the sample phrase above, the language is precise. Term #2 in Restorative Conflict is to avoid exaggerated language at all costs (pun intended 😉). You ALWAYS do this. You NEVER do that. Not only are these statements untrue (no one does something every. single. time.), they are unhelpful. They put people on the offensive and communicate that you believe they will never change. If the person you’re in conflict with thinks that you think they can never do better, why would they even bother trying? Exaggerated languages creates learned helplessness. Ditch chasm-creating language and speak precisely.
3. Paraphrase. Paraphrase. Paraphrase. After your “When you do _______ it makes me feel _________” part, stop and listen. This is important. You need to hear how your friend/partner/colleague is processing the news. And that’s just it. They will be processing it. Their response won’t be neat and tidy. It won’t make you feel good, at least initially. Remove your ego and try not to take what they say personally. Listen with the aim not to to defend yourself but to understand. Then, attempt to paraphrase what they said: “What I hear you saying is _______. Is that accurate?” Or “It sounds like you feel/think/believe ________. Am I understanding you correctly?” You will find that after just one or two of these statements, the person will open up even more. You’ve disarmed them with your response. Now they can process their full reaction openly. You get to witness someone think and change right in front of your eyes. What a bloody privilege. Remember, the whole point of restorative conflict is to air and resolve a grievance in such a way that brings greater understanding of who the other person is.
4. Keep short accounts. It’s imperative to deal solely with the occurrence in front of you. Don’t bring up old offenses, even if the person did this specific thing before. Give the current occurrence all your focus and attention until it is resolved. Then put it away and don’t bring it up again. Period. Don’t keep a running list — mental or otherwise — of this person’s offenses to bring up at any moment. Doing so will make people feel that they can never be at ease around you, as you teach them (by your poor conflict skills) to wait for the proverbial shoe to drop. Keep short accounts. This rule of engagement actually builds your credibility, because people who interact with you know that once something is resolved it is actually resolved. It won’t be a skeleton you bring up at a later date to shame them.
5. Take ownership of my part. There’s nothing more immature than someone who, when confronted with their own shortcomings, responds by deflecting and somehow making it the other person’s fault. Person A: It’s really important for me to feel seen and heard. When you interrupt me when I’m talking, it makes me shut down. Person B: You know, you’re so sensitive. You need to work on being more laid back and letting things go. Notice how Person B not only failed to take responsibility for their behavior, they actually used it as an opportunity to blame-shift. This is the behavior of someone who hasn’t grown up, the behavior of an emotional child. When you are in conflict with someone, take responsibility for your part. You know, you’re right. I did interrupt you, and I can see how that would make you feel not heard. Going forward I will try to let you finish your train of thought before contributing. Taking ownership not only makes amends, but it increases peoples’ respect for you. You are demonstrating you can admit when you’re wrong. And that’s so attractive. Plus, it’s the adult thing to do.
6. Focus on the story not the substance. We tell ourselves stories all the time. Stories about why our ex broke up with us. Stories about how we got to where we are professionally. Stories about why the Starbucks barista has a ninja-holding-a-purple-turtle tattoo (true story). Narration is the way we make sense of the world around us. Here’s the kicker: the stories we tell ourselves aren’t always true. In fact, many of them are false and don’t serve us. When someone is doing something that causes conflict in our life, oftentimes it’s not so much what they are doing, but rather, the story we are telling ourselves about it that creates the pain. When our partner forgets to take out the trash or pick up the kids from school, its not those things that actually irk us. It’s the story we’ve created in our head. You know, I specifically asked him to do that this morning. He doesn’t listen when I speak. He must not care about me like he used to. See, the narrative we tell ourselves — not the occurrence — causes the pain. So when you’re in a conflict with someone, vocalize the story not the substance. Honey, I love you so much. And I’m struggling with this. When you didn’t pick up the kids, the story I’m telling myself is that you don’t listen when I speak and that you don’t care about me. By vocalizing the story you’ve constructed, you’re actually getting to the root of your pain. You’re also providing your friend/partner/colleague the opportunity to disabuse you of false narratives and rush in to provide comfort, truth, affirmation, and love. This strategy builds bridges and you’ll walk away from the interaction closer, not further apart.

​Conflicts are the point where someone ends and I begin. And vise versa. It’s a beautiful reminder of a person’s otherness from us. They are not me. They are different, and it’s beautiful. While fights may start as disagreements they are really opportunities in disguise. An opportunity to know the person better. To know ourselves better. An opportunity to grow together. To dive into the depths of who a person is, to come up for air, only to discover that there is more to know. More enigmas to unravel. You are limitless, which means there are limitless things to discover. And I am committed to finding them. Your infinite otherness doesn’t scare me. It compels me. I want to know you, and I want to be known. Because, dammit, that’s what relationships are all about.

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There’s another quote Sam says fairly often.

Don’t telegraph. Don’t tell me what you’re going to do before you do it.

He says this when I move my elbow back prematurely before throwing an uppercut. He’s right. My telegraphing kills the mystery — and my advantage.
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I realize in writing this article, I’m doing a similar thing. I’m lifting back the curtain and revealing my conflict playbook. But if my lessons learned can help others, in a way, I’ve won the round. We both get an advantage. This is me fighting my fight, Sam. I’m sure you’ll understand. 🥊