Check Your Default Settings

BY JENNY B

Photo by Luke Chesser on Unsplash

A friend of mine posted a screenshot of a common e-payment app that shares Who you pay and For What, unless you take action to change your privacy settings. She could see roommates paying each other back for taco Tuesday, and some funnier or more puzzling entries, including those between intimate partners.
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It was funny to see and, for a moment, I felt confirmed in my ‘old school’ ways. But, then I realized the lesson scaled to an economy so much bigger than e-payments.

Six months into the year that no one planned, fuses are shorter. It feels like everyone is on edge. And, in my household, neighborhood, and even in the news, it’s becoming more and more common to hear some exasperated retort.

When I’m really frustrated, my most common comeback is some version of, “What’s your plan?” It gets said when my spouse doesn’t want to eat anything from the fridge full of groceries. Yesterday, I was trying to put pajamas on a 2-year-old and she was running around rage screaming because she wanted her favorite soccer ball t-shirt (which was in the dirty laundry), and I was like, “What do you want to do? Do you want to wear your favorite bottoms, because we won’t have the top until tomorrow? You can help me put on the laundry and then the soccer ball t-shirt will be clean…” 

When I get blocked at work, my default response is to explain that I had a plan, and challenge if the person objecting has a plan or is just throwing a wrench. My goal is always to have a thoughtful plan that shows how I am handling it and being considerate of others.

Now, that doesn’t always work out. And, my 2-year-old’s most common default is, “Stop talking.” When she’s wrestling with some big emotion, she doesn’t want to be told logical next steps or how to feel.

What’s yours? Is it, “Shut up” or “Let me Finish,” because you need to feel heard?
Is it, “You don’t understand,” because you need to feel understood? Is it a non-committal, full-force-eyebrowed “OK”, because you are not ok?
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Whatever it may be, we are all getting laid a little more bare in 2020. So, I realized that it merits some reflection and perhaps adjustment before my default settings serve up my information for me to the broader community. If you ask a planner, yes, I think we need to plan for how we show up in the long haul.