Most of our lives we spend keeping up with the Jones’. Or rather, keeping up with people we perceive as respected by society’s standards: the social media influencer we follow on Instagram; our rich cousin who works ‘remote’ from a new beautiful island every month; the CFO that lives next door to us with the Tesla, the beautiful wife, the perfect kids, & the golden retriever (do c-suite execs ever get dogs that aren’t retrievers?). Our goals — let alone our view of ourselves — are contorted by the gaze of others. It’s constant, it’s exhausting, and sadly, it’s self-inflicted. To escape that comparative mindset for just a few hours in a day is freedom. That, and going to a Backstreet Boys Revival Concert WITHOUT SHAME. Also freedom.

Let’s leave other people alone for a moment, though. In fact, can we leave other people out of the rest of the freaking article and just focus on you for the next 5 minutes? That would be great.

If I were to ask you what you *really* want out of life, how would you answer? Not you in relation to other people. Just you. Your dream life. Indulge yourself for a minute. What is it that you really want? Paint a vivid watercolor of the life you desire.

Have it? Good. Your canvas, while probably more granular & specific, will have scenes that fall within these 5 categories:

1. Rich, Rewarding Relationships — an incredible partner, fulfilling friendships, and a sense of community where you feel seen
2. Financial Freedom — where your passive income exceeds your expenses
3. Purpose & Significance — a sense of contributing to the world in a meaningful way and being recognized for your contributions
4. Comfort — having a life that is marked with contentment, enjoyment, & pleasure
5. Control— having the liberty to take command of your choices

All of these, together, paint a picture of abundance. Most likely, your dream life, even just parts of it, contain a combination of these five. For example, that incredible job you want would fall under significance and financial freedom. A beautiful house would fall under comfort and control. Becoming a world-famous author would touch on all five. You get the picture.

So… why don’t we have our dream life? Societal brainwashing would have us answer that it’s other people. It’s the adverse circumstances we grew up in. It’s pervasive and sinister forces working against our will. It’s ‘other people’ that hold us back. Deep down, though, this rings hallow. While adverse circumstances make things more challenging, they don’t prevent success. Real-life examples demonstrate this: Oprah Winfrey, Howard Schultz, J.K. Rowling. I could go on and on. People who grew up in abject poverty and/or the victims of abuse who maximized their life and created what they wanted. And these aren’t just exceptions to the rule, they break the rule. I’m not minimizing pain inflicted by others at our expense — it’s evil & it’s sickening. I’m merely claiming it doesn’t prevent someone from building an incredible life. There are countless people I know personally (myself included) who had freaking hard lives and are living their dream life right now.

So if it’s not other people, it has to be us. We’re holding ourselves back. Which is actually a good thing. If someone else is culpable, it means it’s not in our power to fix. We’d be destined to futility. In reality, it’s *our* problem to own and change, and as responsible, free agents, we shouldn’t want it any other way.

So how are we screwing up something so fundamentally important? Said with less sass — what exactly does personal abundance require? 

The abundant life we want comes, primarily, by way of certitude. Hard work, humility, and humor are close followers.

​Let’s break this down.

1. Certitude: Every amazing thing we want in our life starts with the belief that it will actually happen and that we deserve it in the first place. I know this sounds a lot like Napoleon Hill manifestation, but I must say — the man isn’t wrong. And I’m not going to hold back from saying something true just because it isn’t originally mine. I don’t pretend to know how it all works, but the genesis of any success starts with a mind that believes it to be so and possible. The mind has the creative ability to call forth that into being which was previously naught. You have to believe in your dream life. Because no one else is going to believe in it for you. At least, not initially.
2. Hard Work: If you stop at belief and don’t act, obviously, nothing will happen. I would be remiss if I didn’t stress the importance of *the hustle.* If you want to be a famous writer, produce content weekly. If you want that beautiful house, get a side job or pare back your expenses to save toward it. Heck, look for a new job where you can negotiate an increase on your salary. If you want to find an incredible parter, 1) be one first 2) regularly put yourself out there and do the hard work of approaching attractive & interesting people in public. Bottom line: embrace the grind.
3. Humility. Success doesn’t happen overnight, and you have to be willing to eat dirt for a while. To produce good content and for it to get unnoticed. To apply for a new job and have them ‘go in another direction.’ To approach that attractive person and get a cold shoulder or an ‘I’m already in a relationship.’ Good things, worth pursuing, take time. Most people get discouraged and give up at early signs of failure. We need to be willing to be humble, eat dirt for a while, and keep pressing forward.
4. Humor. When we’re bold-faced certain about something, and end up being wrong, we need to have the humor to laugh it off. Sometimes it’s the only healthy reaction. Humor bonds us to other humans. Perhaps that’s why those two words share the same root. It’s an earthy way to establish rapport when things quite haven’t gone in our favor. Oftentimes, it’s the only emotion that will allow us to *keep* moving after screwing up so royalty. And heck, it will gain us some friends — and respect — along the way.

I recently started a new job, and in my first week, I was *metaphorically* smacked on the face with the importance of certitude as the starting point for incredible life experiences.

On my first day, I happened upon the Sr. Manager of Communications Technology — aka the video guy. Let’s call him Todd. We hit it off really well. I mentioned I did promo videos for my previous company, and offered to help with any upcoming video needs. He seemed interested and the next day invited me to participate in an initiative that Friday. I was pumped! Friday came and my new the team took me out for a welcome lunch. The waitress was very slow, and the whole ordeal took two hours — door to door. I was officially half an hour late (and very embarrassed!) to the recording session. 

I dropped my purse at my desk and ran to the studio. The group of participants were assembled in a circle, receiving instructions from a gentleman with glasses. I didn’t see Todd there, but I assumed that he was present at the beginning and had since done a hand-off to the bespectacled gentleman. I introduced myself to the group and explained that Todd had invited me to participate in the video. The gentleman in glasses said, ‘You’re just in time. We’re about to go outside and start filming.’ The video initiative was about fraud protection. I ended up starring in one of the cameos as an unsuspecting woman whose phone is snatched by stealth-man-in-a-hoodie while she is chatting with her coworkers.

I returned to my desk, excited about my cameo, and noticed a generic ‘hey’ IM from Todd. I responded:

“Hey Todd! Sorry for the tardiness. The team took me out for lunch and the service was sooooo slow. Got back around 1:30 & stopped by the studio. The group was able to use me in one of the videos :)”

Todd came by, looking utterly confused, and asked what I was talking about. I re-iterated what I had said on IM.

“That…. wasn’t my video,” he said.

Now I was the one that was puzzled.

“Well, if it wasn’t your video, whose was it?” I asked.

We looked at each other, paused for about 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter as the hilarity sunk in: I invited myself to someone else’s video. The irony is practically perfect - I frauded my way into a fraud protection video. Todd’s event was actually a dress rehearsal/sound check for a meeting the following Monday. Yep. The new girl crashed a corporate video. I’m like Owen Wilson with way less hair issues.

Word of this spread throughout the office, and as I was finishing my meet and greets that afternoon, people were like ‘Oh yeah, you’re the new girl that was accidentally in the fraud protection video. Way to make a splash on your first week.’ 

It turns out the bespectacled gentleman’s name was Jake, as I was officially introduced to him later that afternoon. We had a good laugh about the whole thing, and then I asked him, “Why didn’t you stop me?” He looked at me, total deadpan, and said, “You seemed so certain you were in the right place. It didn’t dawn on me to question you.”

Cue: light shining down from heaven. Enter: epiphany. 

My certitude was the gateway into this opportunity. It wasn’t my listening skills, my leadership aptitude, or my communication prowess (all good things, I’ll have you). My belief that I belonged there was my ticket to the experience.

Certitude is waking up on purpose. Walking into a meeting with command. Launching an initiative like you’re the best person to run it and oversee it. It’s an attitude of they are damn lucky to have me here wherever you go. Having this frame of mind, daily, is what engenders your dream life.

Certitude alone isn’t enough, though. Because sometimes you’re wrong. Terribly wrong. As I was in this example. If you double down on certitude when you’re wrong, it makes you look arrogant, unaware, and frankly silly. It is at that point when hard work, humility, and humor salvage the faux pa. I didn’t double down and blame Todd for the mix-up. I took it with humility as my own mistake. I also had the humor to laugh it off with everyone I encountered that day. Additionally, after realizing the mistake, I did the hard work of socializing my apology to the affected parties. Not to mention the *already-in-play* hard work of starting a new job in a new organization, building my credibility and respect from the ground up.

Accidentally starring in that video made me see something so clearly: I could put in the time, follow the rules, do all the “right” things, but if I didn’t have certitude I would be missing out on a whole array of incredible experiences. It also made me wonder how many amazing things I have missed out on in the past on account of my uncertainty. On account of not believing in my core that I deserve abundance and the best this world has to offer. Seriously, why do we not believe this? Why do we not believe we are worthy of every good thing? No one is perfect, so that makes it an even freaking playing field. That person you’re envying with the dream life — they are not perfect and still got their dream life. So why not you? Why not me?
​
I want you to picture your dream life again. That life of abundance. What if you actually believed this was in your grasp? I mean, really believed this was for YOU and not for someone else? What if you started working toward it, as if it belonged to you and you were just claiming what was rightfully yours? What would you do today to secure that reality? How about tomorrow? And as you move toward that dream life, you’ll have some starts and stops, but what if you had the humility and humor to not take things personally, learn from your mistakes, and keep moving forward? That dream life would be yours, and more assuredly set in stone than my next Costco trip (seriously, those samples though). If you have certitude, no person can stop you. Well technically they can, but like Jake, it won’t dawn on them to do so.

Speaking of Jake, I ran into him this week. The accidentally-starring-in-a-video bit has NOT gotten old. He informed me that they made a gif of the cameo. I’m the one in the red dress 😘

I can now happily cross item #87 — Being in a GIF — off my life goals list.

*looking you straight in the eye as I say this*

​Don’t count yourself out of anything. Ever. And if you want something, job 1 is believing it is for you in the first place. Certitude is the path to getting everything you want, and truly, the gif(t) that keeps on giving.

“How are you still single? You’re such a catch!”

*eye roll*

Things I’d rather do instead of answer this question: partake in a never-ending hotdog eating contest; heckle old people in nursing homes; reenact Hunger Games 1,2,&3 on the hallow-deck with the safety protocols off; clean underneath my fingernails with a chainsaw.

Honestly, as far as the benefits of being in a relationship go, 50% is the romantic perks and 50% is not having to answer such an insipid line of questioning. Okay, that was a bit dramatic. It’s probably more like 80/20.

Regardless, let’s slay this beast once and for all. Well, at least half of the beast. This affront to all things considerate comes in two parts — the ‘how are you still single’ part and the ‘you’re such a catch’ part. Let’s leave the first part alone for now. Perhaps it will be a future post. This article will concern itself with the latter piece. The being a “catch” nonsense.

Problems with the *catch* metaphor:

1. It likens wooing to capturing.
I’m going to state the obvious — I’m not an unsuspecting fish. Just think about the analogy for a moment. You’re saying that someone can throw a net around me, remove me from my habitat, and carry me away against my will (cue the Pontipee brothers). Besides being completely dramatic, it’s also quite brutal & cavalier. Romance is a beautiful dance between two people, not a grab and go special at the local Pizza hut.

2. It eliminates attraction.
I recently wrote an article about interest — and why women lose it — that unleashed some strong reactions. In it I talk about how building attraction is a back and forth between two people. A partnership has to be reciprocal, and the “catch” analogy is completely one-sided. It’s the fisherman doing all the work while the fish is completely passive (except, of course, for the flailing around on account of protesting its impending doom). The “catch” is not an active participant in the interaction, and thus, there’s no room for desire — one of attraction’s main ingredients.

3. It promotes a victim mentality.
Outside of the fishing comparison, there’s another one that is worth mentioning: catching someone who is falling. “I caught you” could just as well mean, “I broke your fall.” Can you see the problem already? It positions me, the *catch* as someone in need of rescuing. It conjures an image of someone who is one giant piece of work. And we all know confident people are not attracted to big pieces of work. We’re attracted to people who have their shit together and who are going places. Tell the truth, now ;)

The itch the *catch* metaphor is trying to scratch --
​I think what people are trying to say when they say you’re a catch is you have immense value. That’s more on point. They look at you and see all the amazing ways you can add value to a partner’s life. How kind you are. How smart you are. How strong you are. How you continually work on yourself. How you regularly take healthy risks. How you speak your mind. How you pick yourself up when you fall. How you remain humble when you succeed.Who wouldn’t want to be with you, they’re thinking. They see your value and are shocked others (seemingly) don’t see it as well. And it’s to their credit.

This statement doesn’t just have an optics problem, though, it has a receiving problem too. When someone calls us a *catch* it doesn’t sit well with us. Like milk that’s been the in fridge a week too long. Why? For the three reasons above, certainly, but for one more reason too: We don’t want to be caught — we want to be won. We want to be a prize, and we want to obtain a prize.

The prize analogy is way more apt. To obtain a prize you have to work for it; it doesn’t come easily. You personally have to qualify to even be in the game. Then you have to compete against others. The only way you will do well is if in the ‘off-season’ you’ve been training your mind and body, daily.
​
The prize isn’t just an object — it’s a reflection of the work we’ve put into ourselves along the way, the work that led to us obtaining the reward. We don’t want to be a catch, we want to be a prize. And to get the prize, we have to be one first.