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5 Ways To Know You're *Truly* Over Someone

5/16/2020

7 Comments

 
BY MARYBETH GRONEK
Picture
Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash
So, it’s over.

It’s been over (perhaps) for a while.

And you’re wondering am I actually over them?

I’ve read a lot of advice on this topic — how to know whether you’re over your ex. Most of it recommends readers to look out for the following indicators:
  • You’re ready to see other people. Incorrect. You could be “ready,” or think you’re ready, and then spend the next few months dating people, only to recognize that you’re thinking about your ex the whole time. I’m not dissuading the strategy of putting yourself out there as a step towards healing, I’m just saying that seeing other people doesn’t mean you’re over your ex.
  • A significant amount of time has passed. We’ve all watched The Notebook. We know that years and years can go by whilst still pining for a love long lost. Time, in most circumstances, usually helps in the *moving on* process, but it’s no arbitrary marker of getting over someone.
  • You’re in a new relationship. Some people move quickly. They relationship hop from one person to the next. Don’t mistake a new partner for a new heart. Being with someone doesn’t mean you’re over your ex. Sometimes it can mean that. But other times, it could just mean that you move quickly. Let’s not forget the unspoken, societal pressure to be the first of the pair to find a new partner. There seems to be this undeclared rule that the first person to find a new partner is less of a loser, proving they were the more ‘desirable’ one in the partnership. Understanding this pressure makes being-in-a-new-relationship as a barometer for ‘moving on’ all the more precarious.

The above advice misses the mark.
In my own personal experience, I’ve found the five below indicators the most telling when answering the question am I over my ex?

#1 — You Forgot They Existed.
I’m a big Taylor Swift junkie. When her Lover album came out in 2019, the first track, I Forgot That You Existed was on repeat in my car. Not just because it’s a catchy tune (it is), but because it conveyed a state of mind I so desperately sought but hadn’t quite obtained.

“I forgot that you
Sent me a clear message
Taught me some hard lessons
I just forget what they were
It’s all just a blur”


To remember my ex briefly and say, wow I totally forgot about them. That was the state of mind I wanted to achieve. Interestingly, it’s not something that can be sped up or changed by sheer volition, though. It comes about gradually.

When you’re still hung up on someone, you speak about them often and you think about them often. Or, as T. Swift says in her song:

“Your name on my lips, tongue tied
Free rent, livin’ in my mind”


When your ex no longer lives “rent-free” in your mind, you know that you are over them. When you get to the point where weeks, even months pass before you think about them (and not because your mind “sought” them out, but because something in passing reminded you of them), you can rest assured you’re finally over them.

#2 — The Thought of Intimacy (With Them) Is Repulsive.
The desire of being with them is no longer present. It’s not interesting. Or alluring. It’s actually yucky. You don’t want to kiss them. Or sleep with them. You don’t want them having any part of your body. Not openly or secretly. Just, nope. Hard pass.

#3— You’re Indifferent.
The feelings of hatred, anger, or shame are no longer present. You genuinely want the best for your ex.

“I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate
It’s just indifference”


When you’re mad or want them to pay for what they’ve done, it reveals that you still care. Indifference is the emotion you’re after. Don’t misunderstand me — it’s not like you can ‘will’ yourself into indifference. And you can’t fake it either. True indifference is genuine. And it is a sure sign you are over your ex.

#4 — Encountering Them Isn’t Anxiety-Producing.
We all do this. We wonder what it would be like to serendipitously ‘bump into’ our ex. This fantasy occurs quite regularly in the early stages of a breakup. With it comes conflicting, deep-seated desires — the desire to show them you’re okay, or to show them how much they’ve hurt you, or, to prove to them that you’ve moved on (often accompanied by your new revenge body 😉). This fantasy, at its root, reveals a desire to communicate something in a space where communication has been severed. Whatever your message is though, the thought of actually encountering your ex brings anxiety. You want to convey the right ‘message’ and you’re unsure you will. Thus, the thought of ‘bumping into’ your ex does not satisfy or settle you, it leads to feelings of dread and trepidation.

When you’re truly over someone, the thought of seeing them brings peace. You have nothing left to communicate. You have nothing left to ‘prove.’ Since there are zero expectations on the encounter, there is nothing to be anxious about. You are relaxed. This mental calm and security at the possibility of seeing your ex again is one of the strongest indicators that you have, indeed, moved on.

#5 — You Don’t Recognize The Person You Were With Them.
On a superficial level, new things are (and have been) happening in your life.
  • You have new hobbies and interests. You’ve taken up boxing. Or knitting. Or film studies. You’ve started taking personal development courses to expand your skill set. The landscape of your life, and how you spend your time, just doesn’t look the same. And it’s a good thing.
  • Your relationships are in a state of growth. You have a new circle of friends. You’ve been going to Meetups and happy hours. You’ve been widening your circle of acquaintances, deepening your existing friendships, and establishing new bonds. Your relational life is expanding, not contracting.
  • The ‘little’ things have luster again. A sunrise. A beautiful flower. A walk in the park. The little joys & comforts have exuberance again. They are not tainted with your loss. They are fully whole and you are capable of completely enjoying them.

On a deeper level though, you’ve become a different person. You’ve changed and grown so much, that to think of who you were with your ex honestly makes you cringe. You laugh at the garbage the “old” you was willing to put up with. You rejoice at how far you’ve come. And you expectantly embrace the future, catching and treasuring all of it’s wonderful possibilities like fireflies on a warm summer night.

There’s something more, though.

Something about being ‘over’ someone that can’t be quantified. A visceral feeling, deep deep down.

The truth? If you’re wondering if you’re over your ex, you probably aren’t.

It’s something you just know.

You either read this article bracing for the worst, knowing on some subconscious level that you’re still not over him/her; or embracing the best, joyfully celebrating what you knew all along. You’re free. And it feels good. Calming, good. Or as T. Swift would say:

“And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet”


❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
7 Comments
Connie
5/16/2020 03:18:34 pm

MaryBeth, I love this image.. " The ‘little’ things have luster again. A sunrise. A beautiful flower. A walk in the park. The little joys & comforts have exuberance again. " This means you are truly free to "" embrace the future, catching and treasuring all of it’s wonderful possibilities "". I am so happy that you have traveled to this place of peace, calm and quiet. This is the place where magic will happen again. Great article! I know reading it will help someone out there. Thanks for sharing your experience and your hard-won victory with us. Thanks for taking us along on your journey of discovery.

Reply
MaryBeth
5/16/2020 09:35:02 pm

Thanks for much for the encouragement and appreciation :)

xx

Reply
Timothy link
5/18/2020 02:53:16 am

Hi MaryBeth, I love the way you've broken down the Taylor Swift hit, most especially because I can relate to it.
I was really having trouble getting over my ex, this article has helped me with closure. Thanks a lot, looking forward to some more. 😉

Reply
MaryBeth
5/18/2020 09:57:12 am

Hey Tim!

So glad this article helped you.

Thanks for reading!

xx

Reply
B
5/18/2020 04:26:05 pm

Hi,
first of all, I love the articles and reading them always feels like I'm in a conversation(sometimes even responding out loud if I'm alone).
Even though this one resonates so deeply with me, some parts I have conflicted feelings because I don't think it's that simple. Even if I completely agree that in the end it's a feeling you have deep inside, there's someone my mind immediately went when I read the title. While everyone in my mind checks almost all the indicators, one got stuck in my mind, the indifference.
I sort of understand where you're going, but wanting what's best for them I don't think it's indifference, means you care(d) for them, and I truly hope that everyone that I've ever been with is great, and I love every time I find out that that is the case and/or found someone that it's best for them.
Now #4, for me, there's always anxiety, but that may just mean my own self-absorbing issues, or just very selfish, there's the fear that I might have made someone's life worse(like I think that I'm just that impactful on people...). Which leads to #5, I don't like looking back to the person I was(don't worry, I faced those problems recently), so it's why I worry I said something or done something that I wasn't aware of the consequences.
In the end, I understand and agree with it all, but there's just that little voice in the back of my mind, what if it is someone that had an impact on who you are now? Does the same rules apply? And if it's been a while, per #5, you've changed, and that person you loved once, it's not appealing to you anymore. But can't that person change too? Into someone the "new" you could like? Are these questions the very indicators you're talking about?
Well, sorry for the long comment, just wanted to say my take on this subject, perhaps better suited for a therapy session? Quite probably.
Maybe I'm just messed up beyond repair, but nonetheless I'm gonna keep trying to be better. Or maybe it's been more than a decade and I should let some things go.

Anyway, thank you for your words,

B.

Reply
MaryBeth
5/23/2020 03:59:32 pm

Hello, B!

Thanks for the vulnerability and sharing how you really feel. Relationships are so complex and it encourages me to see you wrestling w/ your feelings and trying to come to some sort of resolution with them.

The part about your ex moving on and becoming a 'new' person that maybe the new 'you' could connect with. I see where you're going. I don't subscribe to the whole 'right person wrong time' thing. I think if it is the right person, there is no time that is 'wrong' - that if someone truly cares about you, they will do what it takes to stay and make it work regardless of the timing. That includes growing and evolving, being willing to do that.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to hearing more from you :)

Reply
B
5/29/2020 04:06:02 pm

Hi,thanks for taking the time to reply,

I know that I was rambling a little bit, which I think made it hard to understand what I meant.

While we don't exactly see eye to eye on every point, if there is one thing that I couldn't agree more is the whole 'right person, wrong time' bullcr*p(pardon my french, but I do feel very strongly on this).
It's something someone actually said to me once, and surprise(not), didn't make it easier to move on. But that is long past me, thankfully.

Well, keep writing and I'll keep reading, =)

B.




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