Most people think that our purpose here on this earth is to live for others. To give, to serve. It’s one of those platitudes that we’ve just come to accept. And on the surface it sounds good. Who wouldn’t want to help others? Scrooge, maybe. No one wants to be Scrooge.

But there’s a problem.

‘Live for others’ is a lie.
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It’s an agreement we make in our early years. We learn that to be accepted, we must contort ourself to the wishes of others. To be recognized and celebrated, we must follow the rules. Rules are great and all, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of rules.

But when following the rules becomes our validation, we have a problem.

Here’s how it happens.

We learn that if we give Timmy our shovel, he will give us the pail and the ‘big people’ let us play longer in the sandbox. We learn to sit quietly so the teacher will like us and let us go to recess. Yes, the skills of sharing and authority are important, but I think we extract the wrong lesson. We learn not the value of sharing and authority, rather, we learn the value of living for others. We’re not taught that doing these things will advance our own life, rather we’re told to do it because ‘it’s the right thing to do.’ We have to be nice to others. And just like that, we begin to link successful action on our part to how other people perceive and receive it. It’s a subtle shift, but it creates a chasm so deep from which most people never extricate.

I’m not your personal genie. I’m not going to live my life as a silver platter to your desires. You might think “that’s ludicrous, no one thinks that way.” Oh, yea? Well they live that way.

I’ll prove it.

The majority of people base their decisions on how others will respond.

Example: you see an attractive person across the coffee shop. Do you walk up to them and say hi?

Most people wouldn’t. I might look stupid. Or The other person will think I’m weird. Or I’ll come across as awkward to them. Or They might reject me. Notice how every reason deals with the other person’s perception of you. If you were living your life for you and not for others, your thought process would be different, something along the lines of Wow, that person could be my future partner & hot damn are they fine. It’s a huge difference.

When faced with a choice, our conditioned thought process (unless interrupted) is to internally sift through the following questions before deciding what to do:

• How will I come across?
• How will they react if I say x?
• What will they think of me?

So we edit our lives. We edit our dreams.
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So anxious to offend, we live our lives on eggshells. So fearful of looking foolish, we live our lives in the safe zone. Who ever did anything worthwhile from that zip code?

Such a person is a slave to the opinions of others. And here’s the problem. No one wants to be a slave. We want be a warrior. We want to follow a warrior. Someone who is on their own mission and going after it no matter what people think. That is the type of person to whom we’re attracted. Think of every person you truly admire — public figures, influencers, writers. They live for themselves. Period.

Our purpose is not to live for others. It is to live for ourselves. It comes down to choosing our path and living it from a place of authenticity.

But what about Mother Teresa? Yes, what about her. If she cared about the opinions of others, she never would have set foot in Calcutta’s dirtiest and poorest streets. Her conviction to her work was deeply personal. It’s what set her heart on fire. Notice, hers.

Discovering your purpose is a very intimate and individual act — between you and your Creator. It doesn’t involve other people. It happens in the quiet recesses of the soul. That purpose will include others — don’t get me wrong. We are wired for connection, and nothing will give us greater satisfaction than using our gifts to enrich the lives of others. But it doesn’t start there. It doesn’t start with people. It starts with you. You and your Author. You and your purpose. Personal. Individual. Self-actualizing.

And that’s the irony. If your focus is all on others — what you can give them, how you can please them, how you can gain their applause — you’ll never be satisfied. If the focus is on you and fulfilling your mission day by day, THEN and only then can you actually influence the lives of others. It’s precisely when we don’t *need* others that we make the most impact.

See, ‘live for others’ has the aftertaste of sincerity, but not the substance.

That’s the thing about a lie — it contains a hint of truth, otherwise it wouldn’t be so attractive.

If we live for others (their adulation and applause) we help no one. If we live for ourselves and our mission, we operate from a place of strength and conviction, the only soil that can change the world.

But change your own world first.
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And then gosh, there’s no telling what you will go on to do. 🔥🔥🔥

A few months back, I wrote an article that got a ton of attention — Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice — where I dove into the psychology of why we give advice and what to do instead. There was one sentence in it that was highlighted a bazillion times on Medium (exaggeration added) and it was this: people don’t want to be fixed, they want to be known.

I thought that was one of the least impressive lines in the article. Writing is humbling isn’t it? It shows you how wrong you can be and where the real interest lies. Since then, I’ve spent some time thinking about why that line struck a chord with so many people. It speaks to what we really want out of any relationship.

We want to be known and loved anyways.

What does this actually look like?

1. We Want Our Full Self To Be Accepted.
For so much of our lives, we trade authenticity for attachment. We don’t show up fully ourselves for fear that those in our life will leave. We’d rather have the relationship than take up space in it. Then they leave anyways. We learn from the lesson and choose to live authentically going forward. I will be me — the right people will stay, the wrong people will leave. From that point on we’re searching for those who will embrace all that we are.

We want to be able to dance and not get ridiculed. We want to be messy and goofy and not at all put together, and for it to be celebrated. We want to bear our scars without judgment. We don’t want to be fixed. We want our realselves to be accepted — not the dress up version of ourselves we usually present to the world. This is me. This is really me, no editing. And we want the other person to say yes, it’s marvelous, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

2. We Want A Witness To Our Life.
I’m not a big social media person. I’ve had bouts where I’ll try it for a few months, then deactivate. What’s interesting is what happens right after. Suddenly, I’ll be out and about and something noteworthy happens to me. I instantly want to document it and share it with the world. Then I get share withdrawal — oh wait! I’m not on social media anymore.

Social media is so addictive because it gives the illusion of people bearing witness to our life. We feel like our life is seen, and therefore, validated in some way. But it’s faux validation. In real witnessing, the other person also shares something about their life in response, it’s a give and take. Social media can often be one way. And it’s curated — people only bear witness to what we want them to see.

What we really want out of relationships is a partner for the road. We want someone to walk through this life with us, through the hills and valleys, and to bear witness to the journey. It’s why we make vacations with other people. Experiences are not meaningful unless shared. We want to be seen. Thoroughly seen.

For most of my life I’ve flown below the radar. The shy girl who’s stayed on the margins. The type that grows accustomed to people not noticing. I remember one moment of really putting myself out there, and not receiving much positive response, and it really bothered me. My boyfriend at the time asked me ‘What exactly are you feeling right now?’ I took a moment, thought about it, and said ‘Unseen. I feel ignored and unseen.’ ‘I see you, MaryBeth. I see all of you and it’s perfect.’ That statement made all of the hurt go away. By actually looking at someone, and seeing them in their moment of pain, we have the power to be a master healer. This is what we all really want: someone who is present, focused, grounded, attentive. A witness for the journey.

3. We Want Someone To Grow With Us.
We want to be challenged. We want someone who calls us on our sh*t. Men want a woman who speaks to the king in him. Women want a man who encourages her to step into her flourishing. Mature people want an equal — mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. We don’t want a project, we want a partner. We want someone to inspire us to be the best version of us.

4. We Want To Compose A Symphony.
When two separately incredible people come together it can be magical. We want to build a life with someone, where both people are contributing. And together? It becomes a symphony. I add some notes here, you add the harmony, then there are verses, then the coda. Then we add the strings section, and the crescendo. Our symphony is riveting and unlike anyone else’s. There are comfortable parts, like the chorus, and unique parts like the bridge. But we’ve composed it together, and that’s what makes it beautiful.

5. We Want To Be A Hiding Place.
We want the embrace. We want to be held. When I think about relationships, a song comes to mind — Lay My Head Down by the Indigo Girls.

     “I want to lay my head down on you
     Because you’re the only solid thing in this room.”

I want to be the recipient of that. All your little disappointments and fears? I want to bottle them up and keep them safe. These precious jars that contain your struggles, your scars, your insecurities — I will handle them with care. I will not traffic them to others, not for any price. I want to be your only solid thing in this room.

And we want it reciprocated. I want you to hold space for me as I spread my wings and flourish, as I learn what it means to surrender. I want you to be my hiding place. I want you to be my only solid thing in this room.
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This is what we want. This is what we all want.