A Good & Spacious Land
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

It’s just the way it is, I don’t have a choice….

2/1/2020

5 Comments

 
BY DIANE KERTH
Picture
Photo by Javier Allegue Barros
Last week I heard this phrase when my friend Sally and I were out to lunch.  We were catching up on life and how things have been since the last time we got together.  The conversation started going down a dark road of stress, frustration, depression and then she said, “What can I do, it’s just the way it is. I  don’t have a choice.” My eyes opened wide, she knew me well, I said, “You do have choices, you may not like the choices that are available, but you do have a choice.” Sally looked mildly annoyed and without saying any words gave me the Diane obviously doesn’t understand my situation kind of look. I didn’t let a moment pass before I said, “I know what you’re thinking, and you DO have choices and to take it one step further, you have power in those choices!”  When we miss the awareness piece of asking ourselves what options do I have? what choices do I have? we are giving away our power.  

Here’s an example. Every Sunday afternoon I go to my parent’s home (they’re 88 years old) and I help them with a honey-do list.  I walk in the door each week and they hand me the list right away of the things they want done. I have been going there every Sunday now for 15 years.  In the first year of Sunday honey-do lists, resentment started to build because they were taking my time and always expected me to do more and more. I became annoyed, irritated, and stressed every Saturday night that year thinking that tomorrow I would be “wasting” another Sunday not getting anything done at my own house or in my own life.  (I know I sound horrible but that’s what I was thinking!) It created friction and issues when I went over there on Sundays. I found myself being cranky and snappy. It was so bad that one Sunday night when I got home I just broke down and cried. In my head I was saying why is this happening to me and why can’t I have my Sundays to myself like everybody else in my office? They get to relax and have fun and do things. I don’t have that. I am stuck helping my parents. UGH! 

Why am I having these horrible feelings? I’m a nice person, I respect my parents, how did it get to this point? Then something came over me and I snapped out of it, I woke up!  Nothing was “happening to me” so to speak. I was the one with the problem, not my parents. The most frustrating thing for me about this realization is that I have been studying how choices are connected to personal power, and our sense of control, for years.  How could I have not connected the dots for myself? This was what I spent years studying and working on. I was so blinded by feeling miserable and self-righteous that I didn’t take the time to look at what choices I had in this situation with my parents. 

We often have choices that go unacknowledged or unrecognized because we are so busy “feeling.” Feeling happy, sad, angry, frustrated, lost, annoyed or stressed. We have to wake up, stop ourselves and really look at our options and so…. I did just that. There may have been more than three options, but these were the ones I considered. Option #1- I can continue on and do nothing different. Option #2- I can stop going to my parents all together on Sundays, the end. (Not a great option, my parents needed me, and it would be totally selfish but… it was a real option) Option #3- I can adjust the way I look at the situation. (Which IS the choice I made.) 

What a wonderful choice! It was so empowering to take control of myself and realize I AM MAKING the choice to go to my parents every Sunday - no one is forcing me physically to go.  I am CHOOSING to spend time with my parents and do their honey-do list. I am blessed that I have this time with them. When I took control of my choices and the direction I DECIDED to go. I felt strong and powerful. I have been filled with pride every Sunday I drive to my parent’s home because I know I am in charge of my decisions and this is my choice.

We all go through ups and downs in life but when we pause and examine the choices available to us, we can then make conscious decisions on how to proceed. It puts us in the driver’s seat. I can say no, yes, or here’s a different option. Over the years I have often been asked how I stay so positive and happy through the challenging things I’ve experienced in my life.  I share that once I had the realization of how powerful I am through my choices, my life completely changed. I was instantly strong. I’m in charge of me. I’m in control of the things I can control.  

Sally and I talked through each of her options for her particular situation. Once she laid them out and realized that she was in control of more than she realized, she immediately started to feel better.  I told her that she was in charge of herself, no one else. She called me 2 weeks after our lunch and told me how strong, calm and in control she feels now. She says over and over throughout her week, “I’m in charge of me.”  And wears a smile every time she says it.
​

Lead yourself. You’re so much stronger when you understand the ways you can influence your own life. Be in charge of you!
5 Comments
Connie
2/2/2020 12:53:48 pm

Welcome to this site Diane! Kudos to you on this, your inaugural essay. I loved the simplicity of what you wrote. What you say is so basic and eye opening. ""I’m in charge of me. I’m in control of the things I can control."" I am NOT in charge of the things I CANNOT control. Therefore, it does me no good to agonize over them and make myself resentful and miserable over them. I can choose to be positive and concentrate on the sphere of influence within my life scope. This is very liberating. This mindset frees me of any guilt I may have about situations and people I interact with. The only caveat to this is, those people also need to realize that I am NOT in control of their situation and, therefore, should not expect me to affect any change over it since I really can't. Beautiful post Diane! Thanks for sharing this amazing viewpoint.

Reply
Diane
2/2/2020 01:09:01 pm

Hi Connie,
Thanks so much for your reply, your words are so true. People often want to focus on changing the other person when we actually have the ability to maximize the power available to us by focusing on the things we can influence in ourselves. I appreciate your comment and welcome!
Diane

Reply
MaryBeth
2/9/2020 08:54:13 am

Diane -
I absolutely LOVED this post. Your self-awareness is inspiring. Keep shining! xx

Reply
Ashley
2/13/2020 11:26:21 pm

YES YES! I love your message so much. I want to shout from the rooftops how you describe how we give our power away by the way we think about/act about things. I catch myself doing it too and try to correct it. I think awareness of it is key, and I love how you recognized that for yourself and shifted your mindset to a place a happiness. Keep it up!!

Reply
Diane
3/6/2020 11:42:40 am

Hi Ashley - I love hearing the excitement come through in your comment. Awareness is so important. How can we improve anything if we don't take the time to recognize it.
Thank you for taking the time to share!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Previous Posts

    • The Power of Resilience
    • Are Your Dreams Moving You Forward?
    • Check Your Default Settings
    • How To Remain Positive During Your Pandemic Job Search
    • Hold Please. I Need To Process In Solitude
    • Missed Connection
    • Stuck, Stagnant, Or Frozen?
    • 5 TV Personalities Are Getting Me Through This Pandemic
    • What Is Something Worth?
    • What "Just Be Yourself" Really Means
    • Driving Beyond The Basics
    • Walking Squared - The Path To Success
    • 7 *Low Key* Signs Of A Dangerous Person
    • Unscript Your Relationships
    • 5 Ways To Know You're *Truly* Over Someone
    • "People-Pleasing" Is The Deception We've Always Wanted
    • Increasing Your Joy During Crisis
    • Love In The Time Of COVID-19
    • How To Lead In A Time Of Crisis
    • Using 'I' versus 'We'
    • 5 Signs You're Dealing With A Mentally Strong Person
    • A Large Glass Of Water
    • 4 Things That Will Ruin Your Life (If You Let Them)
    • 3 Guideposts from the Psychology of Leadership
    • Tell Me What You're All About And I'll Show You Your Insecurity
    • That's Just The Way It Is... I Don't Have a Choice
    • The Art Of Being The Dumbest Person In Any Room
    • Finding Your Resolve​
    • How To Fight Fair
    • I Was Fired Five Times - Here's What I Learned
    • What I Look For In A Partner
    • What HGTV Taught Me About Relationships
    • Masculinity Is Marvelous
    • How To Be Seen And Known In Relationships
    • Here Are The 30 Books That Changed My Life
    • Bizarre "Mom Lines" That Are Shockingly Accurate
    • The Misunderstood - Yet Sexy - Personality Trait That Gets Terrible P.R.
    • The *Real* Reason People Don't Like Themselves
    • Date Like A Jedi - Six (Secret) Weapons To A Dating Life You Love
    • What We All Want Out Of Life - And Why We Don't Have It
    • You're Not A *Catch* And Neither Am I​
    • Why Women Lose Interest - It's Two Things
    • Are You A Faux Friend? 12 Traits of Real Friendship
    • On Seizing An Opportunity - And It's Unexpected Catalyst
    • My Roommate's Cat Is Teaching Me About Vulnerability
    • Sweet Land of Liberty​
    • The Lies We Tell Ourselves are Our Greatest Source of Suffering
    • 'Live For Others' Is A Lie​
    • What We Really Want In Any Relationship​
    • How Come You Achieve So Much And Celebrate So Little
    • Write Emails People Actually Want To Read
    • Weathered People Are The Best Sort Of People
    • Stop Rejecting Compliments
    • My Friend Is Suffering And I Want To Avoid Her
    • Ultimatums Are A Myth
    • The Importance of Being a Jerk (some of the time)
    • The #1 Thing People Get Wrong About Success
    • No, Time Does Not Heal, But Here's What Does
    • Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice
    • How Women Become Strong
    • Have Your Cake And Eat It Too: How To Be Spontaneous And Punctual
    • Never Run Dry: The Fuel Every Relationship Needs
    • What Else Can Go Wrong
    • Ouch. That Hurts.
    • Lean in, Abundance Awaits

    Archives by Month

    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Site powered by Weebly. Managed by Namecheap
Photos used under Creative Commons from striatic, Rosmarie Voegtli, NaPhi Media, Free for Commercial Use, EpicTop10.com, www.ilkkajukarainen.fi
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Subscribe
  • Contact