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Why Women Lose Interest - It's Two Things

8/4/2019

10 Comments

 
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Photo by Jordan Whitfield on Unsplash
When I first started dating, I believed attraction was an art. A beautiful mosaic that two people painted together, each with their unique brush strokes and favorite hues. I still believe this to some degree. It’s two intricate, complex humans coming together to create something equally intricate and complex.

This view of attraction as art suited me in the early years. I was never much of a math/science person. I naturally gravitated towards the humanities and would run rapidly from anything that required small numbers in even tinier boxes (hello, excel!).

But as I started dating more and reflecting on those experiences, I came to a critical realization: there are more patterns in attraction than I originally realized. If I did certain things, the guy would disappear, guaranteed. If I did other things, the guy would chase me, hard. The inverse was also true. If a guy did certain things, I would be very interested. If he did other things, I would Check please! quicker than a Scaramucci. There’s a level of predictability to interest, which, in turn, challenged my original hypothesis. Attraction is just as much science as it is art, maybe even more so.

Before I dive in to what I learned, I’m offering a soft disclaimer. I haven’t been appointed official Spokesperson for Womankind (I mean… but how cool would that job be?), so what I’m saying might not apply to all women. But I *can* speak for myself and what keeps me interested. And I’ve floated this by many of my female friends and they all say I’ve hit the mark. So, there’s that.

Here is what I’ve noticed. The two things that keep women interested.

Women stay interested when their partner is fascinated and fascinating.

Have one without the other (or neither) and a woman will lose interest.Let’s unpack this.

He is fascinated.
When a woman feels she is the object of her partner’s fascination, she will stay interested. What does this look like?
  • He pursues her. This is often where women lose interest, particularly in the early stages of dating. Men: woo her. Never stop wooing her. This means picking up the phone and calling instead of endless texting. This means reaching out regularly. I once heard a guy friend say ‘if a man goes 48 hours without contacting you, he’s not interested.’ It’s true, and a woman feels it. If a women is left wondering how you feel about her as a result of your absence, she will lose interest fast. To hold her interest, the rules of courtship apply: flowers just because, opening of doors, arriving on time, all manner of gentlemanly behavior, and most importantly, regular contact. If you had a great date, tell her. This is less pep talk, more observation: fascinated men can barely hold themselves back from reaching out and not soon enough. Speaking personally, if a man doesn’t call me 24 hours after a date, I start to lose interest.
  • He is curious about her. He wants to know what makes her tick. He would rather ask her questions than talk about himself. Because how else will he get to know what moves her, what angers her, what makes her cry? (It’s Toy Story 3 btw). And not questions like where she works & lives, but questions that get to the heart of how she sees the world. When a man doesn’t ask these types of questions (or any at all), women lose interest.
  • He wants to please her. He wants to know how to exceed expectations. I was once on a date where a man asked me “How often do you prefer being communicated with and in what way?” Subtext: I really like you and I want to hit a home run. This was awesome & very hot. When a man is fascinated with a woman, he will continually position himself to surpass all potential competition. If a man’s not trying to find out what pleases her (I use ‘trying’ loosely because for a fascinated man, it’s a delight and not work), women lose interest.
  • He desires her. He tells her he wants her. He never stops telling her. He gets specific about how he desires her. Trust me men, this will keep her interested. Long, long time.
  • He is taken with her. He is captivated. Even the trivial things are attractive because it is her that’s doing them. She could be walking around the house in yoga pants, but to him it’s Look at that amazing woman wearing those cute black pants. There’s a verse in Song of Solomon that encapsulates this: “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” His lady: flower. Every other woman: thorns. No one compares to her. Not a single one.
  • …He tells her so. It’s not just that he’s taken with her, he communicates it. Speaking personally: when a man is liberal with how he feels about me, my heart melts and simultaneously becomes magnetically attracted to his. His verbalized interest solidifies mine. Tell her you adore her. Tell her ‘when you do x, it makes me feel like superman.’ Verbalize all those wonderful things you’re thinking about her. If you’re thinking/feeling it, and it’s complimentary, SAY IT. The results will be in your favor ;)

He is fascinating.
When a man is fascinating, a woman will stay interested. This is a man who:
  • is curious about the world and is a life-long learner
  • has values and lives by them
  • has deep, meaningful relationships (family and friends)
  • respects his body & takes care of it
  • takes real risks, and consequently, has interesting life experiences
  • has hobbies/pastimes that bring him enjoyment
  • is living out his purpose

He’s figured out what he wants to contribute to the world and is doing it. He’s ambitious but also takes time to relax and have fun. He’s intentional about building and pouring into those important to him. He wakes up each day excited to learn, do, contribute. A fulfilled man.

All of these things are a life force for him. He doesn’t need a woman to complete him. He has a full, thriving life already. He’s got it going on. He’s someone she can lean on, learn from, respect, and desire. He’s fully perfect & external to her. And that grounded, stable presence pulls her in.

We’ve all been in situations where someone we are dating is one but not the other. For example, someone who is fascinated with us but have nothing going on in their own life. That’s a turn off. Or the incredible person with the incredible life, but they barely reach out or make an effort. Also a turn off. Both pieces — fascinated and fascinating — are needed to maintain attraction.

I was recently at an event where the speaker could not stop talking about his wife. How much of a rock she was in their marriage. How wise she was. How he loved her smile and her legs (not in that order). She was in the audience — the front row to be exact — and was just glowing. I mean, connect some sort of generator to her and we could power the state of Michigan for perpetuity. The interesting thing? From a looks perspective, she was *average* by the world’s standards. It didn’t matter. Her man’s fascination made her glow.

For a second I was almost jealous of her. Not because I wanted to be with her husband, but because I wanted someone to feel about me the way he clearly felt about her.

Men, don’t miss this. It’s less about your looks or your paycheck and more about how you make her feel. Your affection has the power to make a woman shine. Be liberal with it. She will blossom under the sun of your interest & shade of your presence. And that’s not to say women can’t bloom without a partner. That’s not it. It’s that there’s a certain type of illumination unique to a woman basking in the rays of a man’s fascination. It’s breathtaking.

And the speaker was more than just fascinated. He was fascinating. He was changing lives through his public speaking career. He was charismatic and captivating. He was living out his value system. He was community-driven and purpose-driven. He was someone she could admire and respect.

I would often look at couples who had been together for decades and were still taken with each other, and compare them to those cheerless couples that make observers want to run from commitment, and wonder how the same situation — years in a relationship — could produce totally different outcomes. I don’t wonder anymore. It’s the science of interest. Smitten couples are doing the work of fascination. That is it. They are still interested and show it, they are still interesting and live it. That’s the magic sauce.

When I see couples like that it inspires me to hold out for the real thing. And validates every past decision not to settle for something less than.
10 Comments
Bill Bennett
8/11/2019 02:26:26 pm

Hi MaryBeth,
First of all, what a wonderful writer you are! I found your article “Why Women Lose Interest” via Medium, and are now following you. I thought your comments were insightful, and I have sent the link to my sons and daughters.

I did want to comment on one thing. I completely buy the need to woo our spouses. And, I agree, if you truly love them, its not work. However, as I talk to some men friends who are good men and are struggling in their marriages, I heard more than once, in my words, ‘I woo, but they won’t be wooed.’ Examples:
I buy flowers, and the only comments are ‘how much were they? We can’t afford that.’
I take them to a great expensive restaurant, but we have an argument the whole way about all the things I haven’t done around the house.
I buy her a dress and the only response is ‘What makes you think I would wear that!?’

That is certainly a composite and oversimplification, and of course refers to some women, not all, and some men not all. But, these men are trying, and I hope there is room for fascination in effort points.

Thanks, and keep writing.

Bill

Reply
MaryBeth
8/11/2019 03:29:11 pm

Hello, Bill!

Thanks so much for reading the article & sharing with your family. And thank you for providing your feedback in such a gracious and kind way.

When I read your examples, my heart just sank. The men you mentioned are doing all the right things. They are thoughtful and expressing that through their actions. Effort is sexy and will never stop being sexy. So, kudos to them.

The women you described sound like they struggle with receiving in any form - a compliment, a kind action, a generous act. I can't speak to those women specifically as I do not know them, but in my experience, when people (men and women) struggle with receiving, it's usually a self-confidence issue. Deep down, they don't believe they are worth it. Thus, any action of others to the contrary is unconvincing.

To make a long answer longer, there's usually more to the story there. The ability to receive graciously is so beautiful & such an undervalued quality. I know it's something I look for when I'm interested in someone.

Thanks again for stopping by! xM

Reply
ss
8/22/2020 10:48:49 pm

Not sure if you'll get this, as its a year later, but I actually disagree with the response you got from the author. Her article was amazing and insightful, yet she answered you from a place of pop psychology, and not at a place worthy of the level of her article.
So I will answer.
If a woman criticizes your gifts, its because you are giving the gift from a needy place. You are focused on pleasing her, and needing her response to determine the success of your gesture.
So you buy flowers, she asks the cost, you feel failure.
Thats needy and people pleasing.
Woman feel this, and its not sexy.
Put in the authors terms, you actually aren't fascinated by her. You are trying to please her.
You may think, isnt it good to please my partner? The answer is, NO.
Not as the primary goal.
Consider this. If she asks how much they cost, she is not asking how much they cost. She is challenging you to convey further devotion and fascination of her. Its not about the flowers.
A better answer would be something like, "well, they cost me the price of the flowers PLUS hogie sandwich, because these were the last red roses in the shop, and I had to fight another man who wanted to buy them. I told him, 'my wife needs those roses'. He thought his wife did, and I told him these flowers needed to be for my wife, so I had to buy him and hogie, a coke, AND also his wife's flowers too. I knew that these roses were for you. So you see honey, they were quite expensive."
This is fascination.
She is now the most amazing women on the planet.
My guess is you collapsed and said something about being able to afford it and wanting to do 'something nice' for her.
Fail.
Final note. The above tale doesn't need to be true. She will likely know its not. But its your communication of the crazy wacko tale, the display of being her hero that will win her heart. Plus, you show ownership of buying the flowers. Side-step the cost comment. I bought them. I wanted to. period.
Perhaps she will still be annoyed at the money spent, if you ARE being excessive in relation to your budget, but she will still feel loved. So you win.
And if the example above doesn't work, then there is a chance it may be too late.
Because a dumb tale that can handle her criticism with penetrating humor will work on a woman who loves you. good luck

Reply
Jamie
5/26/2020 11:24:15 am

Hey, single man in his 30s here. I really enjoyed your article and appreciate both the quality and sincerity of your writing. Keep it up!

However, here's the beef I have with it. I've basically done everything on your list for years and I am still hopelessly single. I'm a lifelong learner, wrapping up my 2nd Master's degree in Music, I work out regularly, I volunteer, I'm ambitious. I have deep, meaningful relationships with family and friends. I'm kind, but I'm also strong, and I'm guided by a deep sense of purpose. However, none of that stuff really matters. Women ghost me all the time.

In addition, through this process of constant rejection, I've learned that pursuing a woman like you describe is A) either exhausting, or B) the quickest way to get a woman to ghost. Haha. Like either I have to spend the whole time we're together telling her how special she is, which just makes me think that women are deeply lost in their own narcissism, or the fact that I show genuine interest makes her go "mission accomplished " and she never makes an effort to spend time with me again. That's how it comes across anyways. The women I'm describing are all in their late 20s or early 30s themselves. I'm basically giving myself a break at this point, because nothing works unless you are a Chad.

Reply
MaryBeth
5/29/2020 08:27:19 am

Hey Jamie!

Ooof. I can hear your frustration in your post. I always welcome beef as long as it is conveyed respectfully, which your's was :)

There are a few comments on the Medium article that mention attachment style, & that is definitely a factor. It could be that you're attracting 'avoidant' woman, who as soon as you show your interest, they lose theirs. There could also be other factors at play. Without knowing you more and having a one-on-one conversation it's hard to say.

I will say that I stand by this article and the thoughts conveyed there-in. I don't speak for all women, but I sure do speak for me. And these are the things that keep my interest.

Thanks for reading!
MaryBeth xx

Reply
bas
1/12/2021 07:12:46 am

Maybe you are dating immature woman ? Sounds like it.

Reply
Anon
10/29/2020 05:26:50 pm

Hmm. Interesting to hear, and I would imagine it's not far off from what most women would want "ideally". However, in practice it sounds very exhausting and I guess I've never met someone who I was interested in enough or feel would be deserving of so much effort.

Additionally, the two "things" seem to be inherently at odds - be focused on her, but also be focused on other things. For me personally (guy ~30), I've only been able to do one at any given time. Either I'm on hiatus from things I'm passionate about and looking to connect with someone (which is almost a full-time job in itself), or I'm in work-mode doing things I am passionate about, and have no time or energy (nor in the mental space) to deal with someone else.

Reply
Paul
4/3/2021 10:11:55 pm

I am a 42 year old man and I have never held hands with, or kissed a woman – and never been on even one date in my life. There has never been any evidence that a woman has any sexual interest in me at all. As such I never approach women – no matter how attracted I am to them – because it’s clear that no woman wants me. I have several women friends who tell me I’m a consummate gentleman, that I make them feel special and that there are many women who are interested in me. They say that all I need to get a date is to trust them when they say I am attractive, then put myself out there and ask women out. I thank them for trying to make me feel good, but tell them I never see any evidence that a woman actually sees me as sexually attractive. It’s often said that in most cases, women initiate connections by sending signals to men they find attractive and want to pursue them. I have never gotten any such signal from a woman. As such, I do not express my interest in or approach women, and will not until I get a clear signal from her that she is interested in me. It’s clear at this point that I have no chance of ever attracting any woman at a sexual level.

Reply
Charlotte
7/13/2021 02:35:40 pm

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Reply
Jessica Smith
10/18/2021 03:11:19 am

After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don’t believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my partner will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My partner called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return home, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and i said i will share my testimony to others. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com or WhatsApp him +15068001647 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

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