Have you ever dated someone and thought ‘this person has their sh*t together’ and not just their personal life, but their dating life? They know how to communicate interest. They know how to build attraction. They’re vulnerable yet mysterious, leaving you both satiated and wanting more. They just date well. We’ll call this individual Person A.
Then there are others who appear put together, but are a train wreck when it comes to dating. They’re hot and cold. They take the path of least resistance. They pull back after moments of intimacy. They seem confused about their interest and hell-bent on romantic self-sabotage. How could someone so seemingly interesting be headlining for dating amateur hour? Let’s call this individual Person B. For the past year or so I’ve observed this phenomenon and wondered WTF is actually going on. I think I’ve finally figured it out. By *it* I mean the delta between Person A and Person B. What makes someone crush it in dating vs. someone on the chutes and ladders board of love. I present to you: How To Date Like A Jedi. The six (no longer secret) weapons to a dating life you love <3 Be Purposeful & Forthright. Date with purpose. Know what the heck you’re looking for and seek alignment early (& often). If you’re looking for something casual, be up front about it. If you’re looking to build a life with someone — provided you meet the right person — communicate that. Whatever you’re looking for, be candid and date within that lane. As you’re dating someone, what you want might change. It happens. Communicate that too. The challenge with dating today is everyone is trying to ‘play it cool.’ They’re interested, but they’re trying not to show it. They want something more serious but they’re pretending they’re okay with just casual. When you ‘play’ at dating, you’re making it a game — which is so high school. Plus, when you play games, you lose. Except Monopoly — I always win at Monopoly. Want to stand out in the dating pool today? Be human and authentic. Express when you’re elated, sad, turned off, or interested. It’s refreshing. When you’re forthright, you give the person you’re dating the permission to be so too. Have A Filtration System. If your visceral reaction to initial romantic interest is “Yay! Someone finally likes me!” you’re doing interest wrong. Being so thirsty won’t serve you. Your initial reaction should be, “Great, but do I like them?” If you have an incredible, magical life, you’ll naturally be protective of it and not want to let trashy people into Disneyland. Who does? They’re loud, they’re rude, and they generally wreak havoc on the park. Dating Jedis have systematic *checks* to filter out the unworthy. Here are just two of mine:
Side note: when you filter people out, it doesn’t make them a bad person. It just means they are bad for you. We have to get over the concept that everyone has to be our cup of tea, and that if they aren’t, there’s something wrong with them (or us). It’s not a healthy mindset: it kills our self-confidence, as well as our ability to approach each new person without imputed baggage. Both of which hold us back from genuinely engaging with the right person when we do meet them. Re-frame Your Insecurities. We all have elements of our life we are self-conscious about telling a potential partner. Maybe it’s a health limitation. Maybe it’s kids from a previous relationship. Whatever it is, we don’t like to bring it up because we think it is a limiting factor, a check-mark on the List of Reasons Not To Date Us. The reality: other people will only see something as a limiting factor if you see it that way.We need to own every part of our life and stop orphaning elements we see as ‘undesirable.’ We need to re-frame the negatives as positives. Having a health limitation has developed my resilience. Having kids makes me more responsive to the needs of others. Take a hard look at your greatest insecurity and start seeing it for the good it has brought to your life and why it actually makes you a *better* partner. You may not have control over the specifics, but you do have control over the story you tell about it. If you see it in a positive light, the people you date will too. Treat Online Dating Like Passive Income. We’re living in a time right now where there really isn’t the stigma attached to online dating like there used to be. Many people are meeting online and developing lasting relationships — and that’s great. It’s one of many options. Key word: many. Online dating shouldn’t be your only way of meeting potential partners. If it is, chances are you feel depressed and saddened at the choices out there. It’s not that there aren’t great people online, it’s that they tend to be few and far between. Or maybe it’s the shopping cart culture of the whole thing — who knows. I *do* know this: if you’re doing the online dating thing, a filtration system is more important than ever. It will help you weed through the riffraff to find those high-quality people quicker. And don’t let it take over your world. I’m not currently on the apps, but when I was, I would usually only check them once a day or every other day. It gave me a much needed reality check and allowed me to keep my focus on things that I love. Online dating should be the dessert, not your main course. Your primary focus should be meeting people in person during your day-to-day life: at the coffee shop, at the bookstore, on the train, in line at the grocery store. Make it a habit of engaging those around you and you’ll never run out of interesting people to date. And if you happen to meet some amazing people online? Icing on the cake :) Have A Solid Friend Group. When you have a solid group of friends, it gives you the confidence to date with abandon because you are treasured to begin with. You won’t settle for stupid shit because you are already getting the royal treatment. You won’t be afraid to say the hard thing because if it goes downhill, your tribe will still be there. People who feel loved are able to love others more freely. Close friends provide much needed relational security and are bedrock to dating from a place of strength. It’s critical, too, to have close friends of the opposite gender. They can be a good sounding board as you try to measure up a potential suitor. They also provide some safe male/female attention, which, let’s be honest, feels incredible. Have A Life You Freaking Love FIRST. Fix up your damn life first. If you don’t like your life right now, you have no business dating. Period. We should go to a relationship to share a life, not to get one. Relationships will enhance your life, but not if your life sucks to begin with. In that case, dating and relationships will only make you more miserable, and you’ll end up hurting people along the way. It’s so important to build a life you love before you start dating. Things to get passionate about: your job, your hobbies, your family/friends, trying new things, an upcoming trip, books you’re reading, little adventures in every day moments. Because when you’re busy loving your life you become *more* attractive, not less. We don’t want to rescue someone from their loneliness, we want to join them on an adventure that has already begun. Be the incredible person you want to date and you will have no problem attracting high-value partners.
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Most of our lives we spend keeping up with the Jones’. Or rather, keeping up with people we perceive as respected by society’s standards: the social media influencer we follow on Instagram; our rich cousin who works ‘remote’ from a new beautiful island every month; the CFO that lives next door to us with the Tesla, the beautiful wife, the perfect kids, & the golden retriever (do c-suite execs ever get dogs that aren’t retrievers?). Our goals — let alone our view of ourselves — are contorted by the gaze of others. It’s constant, it’s exhausting, and sadly, it’s self-inflicted. To escape that comparative mindset for just a few hours in a day is freedom. That, and going to a Backstreet Boys Revival Concert WITHOUT SHAME. Also freedom. Let’s leave other people alone for a moment, though. In fact, can we leave other people out of the rest of the freaking article and just focus on you for the next 5 minutes? That would be great. If I were to ask you what you *really* want out of life, how would you answer? Not you in relation to other people. Just you. Your dream life. Indulge yourself for a minute. What is it that you really want? Paint a vivid watercolor of the life you desire. Have it? Good. Your canvas, while probably more granular & specific, will have scenes that fall within these 5 categories:
All of these, together, paint a picture of abundance. Most likely, your dream life, even just parts of it, contain a combination of these five. For example, that incredible job you want would fall under significance and financial freedom. A beautiful house would fall under comfort and control. Becoming a world-famous author would touch on all five. You get the picture. So… why don’t we have our dream life? Societal brainwashing would have us answer that it’s other people. It’s the adverse circumstances we grew up in. It’s pervasive and sinister forces working against our will. It’s ‘other people’ that hold us back. Deep down, though, this rings hallow. While adverse circumstances make things more challenging, they don’t prevent success. Real-life examples demonstrate this: Oprah Winfrey, Howard Schultz, J.K. Rowling. I could go on and on. People who grew up in abject poverty and/or the victims of abuse who maximized their life and created what they wanted. And these aren’t just exceptions to the rule, they break the rule. I’m not minimizing pain inflicted by others at our expense — it’s evil & it’s sickening. I’m merely claiming it doesn’t prevent someone from building an incredible life. There are countless people I know personally (myself included) who had freaking hard lives and are living their dream life right now. So if it’s not other people, it has to be us. We’re holding ourselves back. Which is actually a good thing. If someone else is culpable, it means it’s not in our power to fix. We’d be destined to futility. In reality, it’s *our* problem to own and change, and as responsible, free agents, we shouldn’t want it any other way. So how are we screwing up something so fundamentally important? Said with less sass — what exactly does personal abundance require? The abundant life we want comes, primarily, by way of certitude. Hard work, humility, and humor are close followers. Let’s break this down.
I recently started a new job, and in my first week, I was *metaphorically* smacked on the face with the importance of certitude as the starting point for incredible life experiences. On my first day, I happened upon the Sr. Manager of Communications Technology — aka the video guy. Let’s call him Todd. We hit it off really well. I mentioned I did promo videos for my previous company, and offered to help with any upcoming video needs. He seemed interested and the next day invited me to participate in an initiative that Friday. I was pumped! Friday came and my new the team took me out for a welcome lunch. The waitress was very slow, and the whole ordeal took two hours — door to door. I was officially half an hour late (and very embarrassed!) to the recording session. I dropped my purse at my desk and ran to the studio. The group of participants were assembled in a circle, receiving instructions from a gentleman with glasses. I didn’t see Todd there, but I assumed that he was present at the beginning and had since done a hand-off to the bespectacled gentleman. I introduced myself to the group and explained that Todd had invited me to participate in the video. The gentleman in glasses said, ‘You’re just in time. We’re about to go outside and start filming.’ The video initiative was about fraud protection. I ended up starring in one of the cameos as an unsuspecting woman whose phone is snatched by stealth-man-in-a-hoodie while she is chatting with her coworkers. I returned to my desk, excited about my cameo, and noticed a generic ‘hey’ IM from Todd. I responded: “Hey Todd! Sorry for the tardiness. The team took me out for lunch and the service was sooooo slow. Got back around 1:30 & stopped by the studio. The group was able to use me in one of the videos :)” Todd came by, looking utterly confused, and asked what I was talking about. I re-iterated what I had said on IM. “That…. wasn’t my video,” he said. Now I was the one that was puzzled. “Well, if it wasn’t your video, whose was it?” I asked. We looked at each other, paused for about 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter as the hilarity sunk in: I invited myself to someone else’s video. The irony is practically perfect - I frauded my way into a fraud protection video. Todd’s event was actually a dress rehearsal/sound check for a meeting the following Monday. Yep. The new girl crashed a corporate video. I’m like Owen Wilson with way less hair issues. Word of this spread throughout the office, and as I was finishing my meet and greets that afternoon, people were like ‘Oh yeah, you’re the new girl that was accidentally in the fraud protection video. Way to make a splash on your first week.’ It turns out the bespectacled gentleman’s name was Jake, as I was officially introduced to him later that afternoon. We had a good laugh about the whole thing, and then I asked him, “Why didn’t you stop me?” He looked at me, total deadpan, and said, “You seemed so certain you were in the right place. It didn’t dawn on me to question you.” Cue: light shining down from heaven. Enter: epiphany. My certitude was the gateway into this opportunity. It wasn’t my listening skills, my leadership aptitude, or my communication prowess (all good things, I’ll have you). My belief that I belonged there was my ticket to the experience. Certitude is waking up on purpose. Walking into a meeting with command. Launching an initiative like you’re the best person to run it and oversee it. It’s an attitude of they are damn lucky to have me here wherever you go. Having this frame of mind, daily, is what engenders your dream life. Certitude alone isn’t enough, though. Because sometimes you’re wrong. Terribly wrong. As I was in this example. If you double down on certitude when you’re wrong, it makes you look arrogant, unaware, and frankly silly. It is at that point when hard work, humility, and humor salvage the faux pa. I didn’t double down and blame Todd for the mix-up. I took it with humility as my own mistake. I also had the humor to laugh it off with everyone I encountered that day. Additionally, after realizing the mistake, I did the hard work of socializing my apology to the affected parties. Not to mention the *already-in-play* hard work of starting a new job in a new organization, building my credibility and respect from the ground up. Accidentally starring in that video made me see something so clearly: I could put in the time, follow the rules, do all the “right” things, but if I didn’t have certitude I would be missing out on a whole array of incredible experiences. It also made me wonder how many amazing things I have missed out on in the past on account of my uncertainty. On account of not believing in my core that I deserve abundance and the best this world has to offer. Seriously, why do we not believe this? Why do we not believe we are worthy of every good thing? No one is perfect, so that makes it an even freaking playing field. That person you’re envying with the dream life — they are not perfect and still got their dream life. So why not you? Why not me? I want you to picture your dream life again. That life of abundance. What if you actually believed this was in your grasp? I mean, really believed this was for YOU and not for someone else? What if you started working toward it, as if it belonged to you and you were just claiming what was rightfully yours? What would you do today to secure that reality? How about tomorrow? And as you move toward that dream life, you’ll have some starts and stops, but what if you had the humility and humor to not take things personally, learn from your mistakes, and keep moving forward? That dream life would be yours, and more assuredly set in stone than my next Costco trip (seriously, those samples though). If you have certitude, no person can stop you. Well technically they can, but like Jake, it won’t dawn on them to do so. Speaking of Jake, I ran into him this week. The accidentally-starring-in-a-video bit has NOT gotten old. He informed me that they made a gif of the cameo. I’m the one in the red dress 😘 I can now happily cross item #87 — Being in a GIF — off my life goals list.
*looking you straight in the eye as I say this* Don’t count yourself out of anything. Ever. And if you want something, job 1 is believing it is for you in the first place. Certitude is the path to getting everything you want, and truly, the gif(t) that keeps on giving. “How are you still single? You’re such a catch!”
*eye roll* Things I’d rather do instead of answer this question: partake in a never-ending hotdog eating contest; heckle old people in nursing homes; reenact Hunger Games 1,2,&3 on the hallow-deck with the safety protocols off; clean underneath my fingernails with a chainsaw. Honestly, as far as the benefits of being in a relationship go, 50% is the romantic perks and 50% is not having to answer such an insipid line of questioning. Okay, that was a bit dramatic. It’s probably more like 80/20. Regardless, let’s slay this beast once and for all. Well, at least half of the beast. This affront to all things considerate comes in two parts — the ‘how are you still single’ part and the ‘you’re such a catch’ part. Let’s leave the first part alone for now. Perhaps it will be a future post. This article will concern itself with the latter piece. The being a “catch” nonsense. Problems with the *catch* metaphor: 1. It likens wooing to capturing. I’m going to state the obvious — I’m not an unsuspecting fish. Just think about the analogy for a moment. You’re saying that someone can throw a net around me, remove me from my habitat, and carry me away against my will (cue the Pontipee brothers). Besides being completely dramatic, it’s also quite brutal & cavalier. Romance is a beautiful dance between two people, not a grab and go special at the local Pizza hut. 2. It eliminates attraction. I recently wrote an article about interest — and why women lose it — that unleashed some strong reactions. In it I talk about how building attraction is a back and forth between two people. A partnership has to be reciprocal, and the “catch” analogy is completely one-sided. It’s the fisherman doing all the work while the fish is completely passive (except, of course, for the flailing around on account of protesting its impending doom). The “catch” is not an active participant in the interaction, and thus, there’s no room for desire — one of attraction’s main ingredients. 3. It promotes a victim mentality. Outside of the fishing comparison, there’s another one that is worth mentioning: catching someone who is falling. “I caught you” could just as well mean, “I broke your fall.” Can you see the problem already? It positions me, the *catch* as someone in need of rescuing. It conjures an image of someone who is one giant piece of work. And we all know confident people are not attracted to big pieces of work. We’re attracted to people who have their shit together and who are going places. Tell the truth, now ;) The itch the *catch* metaphor is trying to scratch -- I think what people are trying to say when they say you’re a catch is you have immense value. That’s more on point. They look at you and see all the amazing ways you can add value to a partner’s life. How kind you are. How smart you are. How strong you are. How you continually work on yourself. How you regularly take healthy risks. How you speak your mind. How you pick yourself up when you fall. How you remain humble when you succeed.Who wouldn’t want to be with you, they’re thinking. They see your value and are shocked others (seemingly) don’t see it as well. And it’s to their credit. This statement doesn’t just have an optics problem, though, it has a receiving problem too. When someone calls us a *catch* it doesn’t sit well with us. Like milk that’s been the in fridge a week too long. Why? For the three reasons above, certainly, but for one more reason too: We don’t want to be caught — we want to be won. We want to be a prize, and we want to obtain a prize. The prize analogy is way more apt. To obtain a prize you have to work for it; it doesn’t come easily. You personally have to qualify to even be in the game. Then you have to compete against others. The only way you will do well is if in the ‘off-season’ you’ve been training your mind and body, daily. The prize isn’t just an object — it’s a reflection of the work we’ve put into ourselves along the way, the work that led to us obtaining the reward. We don’t want to be a catch, we want to be a prize. And to get the prize, we have to be one first. When I first started dating, I believed attraction was an art. A beautiful mosaic that two people painted together, each with their unique brush strokes and favorite hues. I still believe this to some degree. It’s two intricate, complex humans coming together to create something equally intricate and complex.
This view of attraction as art suited me in the early years. I was never much of a math/science person. I naturally gravitated towards the humanities and would run rapidly from anything that required small numbers in even tinier boxes (hello, excel!). But as I started dating more and reflecting on those experiences, I came to a critical realization: there are more patterns in attraction than I originally realized. If I did certain things, the guy would disappear, guaranteed. If I did other things, the guy would chase me, hard. The inverse was also true. If a guy did certain things, I would be very interested. If he did other things, I would Check please! quicker than a Scaramucci. There’s a level of predictability to interest, which, in turn, challenged my original hypothesis. Attraction is just as much science as it is art, maybe even more so. Before I dive in to what I learned, I’m offering a soft disclaimer. I haven’t been appointed official Spokesperson for Womankind (I mean… but how cool would that job be?), so what I’m saying might not apply to all women. But I *can* speak for myself and what keeps me interested. And I’ve floated this by many of my female friends and they all say I’ve hit the mark. So, there’s that. Here is what I’ve noticed. The two things that keep women interested. Women stay interested when their partner is fascinated and fascinating. Have one without the other (or neither) and a woman will lose interest.Let’s unpack this. He is fascinated. When a woman feels she is the object of her partner’s fascination, she will stay interested. What does this look like?
He is fascinating. When a man is fascinating, a woman will stay interested. This is a man who:
He’s figured out what he wants to contribute to the world and is doing it. He’s ambitious but also takes time to relax and have fun. He’s intentional about building and pouring into those important to him. He wakes up each day excited to learn, do, contribute. A fulfilled man. All of these things are a life force for him. He doesn’t need a woman to complete him. He has a full, thriving life already. He’s got it going on. He’s someone she can lean on, learn from, respect, and desire. He’s fully perfect & external to her. And that grounded, stable presence pulls her in. We’ve all been in situations where someone we are dating is one but not the other. For example, someone who is fascinated with us but have nothing going on in their own life. That’s a turn off. Or the incredible person with the incredible life, but they barely reach out or make an effort. Also a turn off. Both pieces — fascinated and fascinating — are needed to maintain attraction. I was recently at an event where the speaker could not stop talking about his wife. How much of a rock she was in their marriage. How wise she was. How he loved her smile and her legs (not in that order). She was in the audience — the front row to be exact — and was just glowing. I mean, connect some sort of generator to her and we could power the state of Michigan for perpetuity. The interesting thing? From a looks perspective, she was *average* by the world’s standards. It didn’t matter. Her man’s fascination made her glow. For a second I was almost jealous of her. Not because I wanted to be with her husband, but because I wanted someone to feel about me the way he clearly felt about her. Men, don’t miss this. It’s less about your looks or your paycheck and more about how you make her feel. Your affection has the power to make a woman shine. Be liberal with it. She will blossom under the sun of your interest & shade of your presence. And that’s not to say women can’t bloom without a partner. That’s not it. It’s that there’s a certain type of illumination unique to a woman basking in the rays of a man’s fascination. It’s breathtaking. And the speaker was more than just fascinated. He was fascinating. He was changing lives through his public speaking career. He was charismatic and captivating. He was living out his value system. He was community-driven and purpose-driven. He was someone she could admire and respect. I would often look at couples who had been together for decades and were still taken with each other, and compare them to those cheerless couples that make observers want to run from commitment, and wonder how the same situation — years in a relationship — could produce totally different outcomes. I don’t wonder anymore. It’s the science of interest. Smitten couples are doing the work of fascination. That is it. They are still interested and show it, they are still interesting and live it. That’s the magic sauce. When I see couples like that it inspires me to hold out for the real thing. And validates every past decision not to settle for something less than. Adulting is a thing, can we please make Friending one too? Hear me out. Use case: That embarrassing moment where you think you’re really good at something, and then someone comes along and mercilessly disabuses you of that notion. Painfully so. Blush-inducing. Where you want to run, hide, and eat copious amounts of Nutella. When the stakes are low, the fall from innocence isn’t that bad. Like landing on a soft, pillow-top mattress from the first story window. Wow, I guess I’m not that good at playing the tuba. I’ll try soccer instead. When the stakes are higher, though, the tumble is much more painful. Think: falling out of a 18th story window only to land on an overused dorm-room mattress. Ouch. This is:
There’s one reality, though, most people are hesitant to confront. This skill is so bedrock to our personal history, has so much potential to shape our lives, that to find out we’re bad at it would be grievous at best. Hence, we appoint ourselves Captain Avoider (check out my cape!) and aggressively look the other way. Have you guessed it? I’m talking about friendship. This article is for everyone who *thinks* they are a good friend, but deep down, just want some confirmation they are not off base. 1. Good friends notice the little things. Good friends pay attention. They notice your hair is half an inch shorter. They can tell you’ve been consistently going to that Sunday weight training class. They spot your new jacket and compliment you on it. Noticing the little things requires the other person to take the focus off themselves and give you sustained, individualized attention. Self-absorbed people don’t notice shit about you and they never will, unless, of course, it is in their own self-interest. Good friends don’t have to strain themselves to focus on you. It’s natural, they enjoy it, and as a result, they notice the little things :) 2. Good friends show up. Good friends show up when you’re in the hospital. They show up to your house 7pm on a Friday night (uninvited, might I add) after a tough breakup with a bottle of wine and a shoulder to cry on. They send you a care package when you’ve been swamped at work and haven’t had a chance to go to the grocery store all week. They show up in the good times also — they come to your cello performance, your housewarming, your dog’s 6th birthday party. Good friends are present & engaged, during both the good times and the bad. 3. Good friends follow-up. I started a new job this week. Many people in my life knew about it. Not all of them checked in with me to see how it went. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means they are in the *acquaintance* category, not the *good friends* category. Good friends, the really good kind, follow-up. They make a mental note that you had a big event, or something you were nervous/excited about, and then check in within 48 hours to see how it went. It’s a way of looking after those we care about. It communicates:
4. Good friends are curious & enjoy giving conversational space. Great conversations are like basketball. I take the ball, dribble it a while, then pass it to you. You take it, you dribble it for a brief period, then pass it back to me. In healthy friendships, there is a back and forth in conversation. Each person has their moment to shine. The trouble comes when one person hogs the ball. Faux friends typically find a way to turn the conversation back to themselves, repeatedly, instead of asking follow up questions & showing interest. Real friends have no problem yielding the conversational floor because they are genuinely curious about getting to know you better. 5. Good friends have ‘old-fashioned’ habits. Good friends have very few barn-door tendencies. They leave voicemails. They prefer meeting in person and talking on the phone over endless texting. They are respectful to your family. They take their shoes off when they enter your home. When visiting, they bring a bottle of Cabernet, unprompted. They bring flowers to your opening night. Overall, their actions combine effort with thoughtfulness in a way that evokes a homey feeling that warms the soul. They act as if a What Would Cary Grant Dobumper sticker runs their prefrontal cortex. And I’ll be the first to say it — the result is just dashing. ❤ 6. Good friends are true to their word. Flakiness has to be one of the most unattractive qualities of 2019, and I must say, this abomination is growing in voracity, not abetting. It’s tragic too, because dependability is bedrock to deep, lasting friendships. A dependable person is a person of their word. If they say they are going to come to your house on Saturday, they show up. If they say they will be there at 5pm, they arrive at 5pm. If they say they will give you a ride to the airport, they do. They keep their word. Remember: our word is our bond. It’s one of the most influential — and shockingly neglected — aspects of our reputation. When someone meets us, that person is handing us an uncolored sketch titled ‘Can I Depend On You?’ Every interaction thereafter we are coloring in the drawing, answering them with our actions. Based on what we draw, people choose to stay in our lives or move on. High-value people have options. If the choice is between a dependable person and a flaky person (which it often is), self-confident people will pick the dependable person every time. 7. Good friends are three-dimensional. We all know that person who operates on just one-level. All the live long day. I call this person the baseball guy. All he knows is baseball. All he talks about is baseball. If the topic of conversation is something other than baseball he becomes withdrawn, glum, and virtually plaster-like. There’s nothing wrong with baseball, but my gosh, is there nothing else in life you find interesting? How utterly boring. Good friends are multi-faceted. They have various sides to them, like a precious diamond. Every time you turn it, you see a new aspect you hadn’t see before. You see your friend in various lights and, like diamonds, they are breathtaking to behold. 8. Good friends support you when you step out into the wilderness. Most people avoid being associated with something that isn’t tried and true successful, with something that is in its infancy and hasn’t actually ‘made it’ yet. People tend to support something publicly only after if it’s already approved by a multitude of voices. Safety in numbers. It’s an insecurity really, as if someone else’s success (or lack thereof) is a reflection on you. When you start a new venture, good friends lean in instead of pulling away. They are proud to be seen with you in the uncertainty; they stand by you in uncharted waters. They are in the bloody boat with you, not watching from shore making sure you don’t capsize before deciding to join you. They are there to support you when you step out and do something new, even if they are the only voice doing so. The absence of a crowd doesn’t phase them. If you’re trying to discern your true friends, scan your relational horizon for the people who stand with you, unabashedly, in the wilderness. That’s your tribe. 9. Good friends aren’t threatened by the success of others. Sadly, many people realize how important this trait is only after it is too late, when so much has already been invested. We all intrinsically know we need a friend when we’re having a hard time. That’s a no-brainer. But what about when you are on top of the world? When you get that promotion? That incredible new relationship? A faux friend will find reasons to make you feel bad about it because your success makes them feel ‘less than.’ When presented with the news of your new-found success, a faux friend will say things like: ‘Oh, won’t you have less time for the kids/your husband?’ ‘Oh, won’t that be much harder and put a strain on xyz?’ Don’t sugar coat this response — please see it in it’s full, sinister glory. This is a person drawing comfort from your pain, someone with a vested interest in you staying at the bottom because it makes them feel better about themselves. A good friend isn’t threatened by your success. A good friend will be genuinely happy when you succeed and not compare your success to their own situation. They view your life as independent to theirs. Which brings me to the next point… 10. Good friends are self-sufficient. Good friends don’t exist as an extension of you. They are their own unique person. Your bad day doesn’t affect theirs. Their tank is full. They are comfortable in their own skin. They don’t need you to validate them. Which is why they can call you on your shit when needed. Which is why they can uplift you when you are down. Which is why they are in a position to inspire you to be the best version of you. 11. Good friends give you what you need. The deepest and most mature level of friendship asks not what you or I want, but what the other person needs. The other person may want encouragement, but in this instance, they need hard truths delivered in tough love. They may want space, but actually need presence (or vise versa). They may want their poor behavior enabled, but actually need someone to shine a light on their dysfunction. They may want guidance, but really need to work through something on their own. True friendship requires knowing a person so deeply as to know what they need. It requires seeing a person and their needs independent from you. It requires the willingness to break rapport and take some relational risks, because you care more about the person than the state of the relationship. You have to risk being dead wrong and the other person being upset. You have to risk being spot on and the other person receiving it/growing in the process, or walking away. Give not what you or they want, but what they need. 12. Good friends are consistent. Hills and valleys, baby. That’s what life is. Anyone that says life is linear is a verified fool. The plot-line of life isn’t linear; it looks a lot more like this. We want friends who are consistent through the hills and valleys. Friends who are reliably themselves. It’s of little value if you are true to your word yesterday but not today. If you are secure and confident yesterday but ultra-clingy today. A good friend is a good friend consistently. This is what allows us to count on them. To feel safe and seen in their presence. We can take a deep breath and relax when we are with them because they will always be true. To themselves, and to us. Before I lose all you perfectionists out there, let me be very clear — We can’t be all of these things perfectly, but we can be them increasingly. Am I more consistent today than I was 3 months ago? Am I more supportive of others’ success today than I was 6 months ago? Overall, is there a general pattern of growth, not stagnation or decline, in these areas? Not perfectly, but increasingly. Friendship is too vital a skill to leave to subjective musings; these 12 traits bring an objective roadmap to help navigate our most important life relationships. Life isn’t accidental. It’s a string of choices, followed by a string of consequences, which then present more choices. Daily we have the opportunity to maintain or change course. People often say things like in life, you have one shot. I just don’t buy it. New paths are everywhere, and we are tasked with discerning between opportunities and distractions. Between a good thing and a bad thing (maybe not empirically bad, but bad for us). But what about when we have to choose between a good thing and a REALLY good thing? What happens when we have to choose between:
Well, duh. We pick Option 2. The Seemingly-Better over the Status-Quo. It’s a no-brainer. The logical thing to do. Mentally, at least. See, that’s where life gets interesting. Most of our decisions are made emotionally, not logically. We make a decision (emotionally), and then try to explain why we made that decision using logic. We almost always come up with a seemingly plausible reason, even if it isn’t the honest one. What then do we do when making a decision logically that is contrary to our emotions? When we decide to go after the better thing even though, emotionally, we still love and want the lesser thing? The struggle is not in the justification but in the implementation. The mental gymnastics needed to cross the finish line and actually seize the better opportunity becomes exhausting, resulting in us dragging our feelings — kicking and screaming — to greener pastures. Ugly Tantrum, Party of 1. I recently had to make a very challenging choice, followed up with some challenging action. In considering taking the leap, I drew advice from the well of accepted truisms. Advice like:
I found much of this conventional knowledge marginally-helpful at affirming my choice, but not very helpful at actually motivating me to do the thing. To actually let go of the old and grab onto the new. Right before I was about to act, I did none of the above things. You know what I did instead? I reached out to those closest to me, conveying something along the lines of ‘I’m terrified, please give me a pep-talk.’ Word of advice: when you need people to show up for you big time, brutal honesty in communicating what you are feeling and what you need is GOLDEN. One of my Chief Encouragement Officers (on an unofficial title for those in my inner circle 😉) responded with a world series-level message. I’ve included it below in its full entirety. This message gave me the boost I needed to actually take action and opened my eyes to what really motivates us to take that first, scary step. 1. We Need to Be Reminded of Who We Are When we’re about to take a leap, our fear gives us tunnel vision and we lose sight of the most important asset to our success: ourselves. This person reminded me that I’m smart, I’m strong, I know how to build bridges, and I have the conversational chops to handle tough conversations. 2. We Need to Be Reminded That We Have Agency When under a perceived threat, the body responds in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. Trepidation at starting something new can be paralyzing and enable the freeze reaction. As if a snake has bitten us and the poison is working its immobilizing magic through our body. We need to be reminded that we have agency. That no matter how the other person reacts,I choose how I respond. If the other person is triggered, I choose to see past it to their true feelings and respond appropriately. I can be purposefully active, not reactive. 3. We Need to Be Reminded That Our Fear Is No Match For Us Fear is just natural when taking the leap. But in the battle between us vs. fear, we need to hear that fear doesn’t stand a chance. We are way too qualified. We are the #1 draft pick. Notice, my friend didn’t tell me not to fear. Instead, it was more like I get that you are afraid, but you don’t need to be. You’ve done this shit over and over again. You are more than qualified. We often feel like David battling Goliath when it comes to our fears. We need people to remind us that in fact, we are Goliath. 4. We Need to Be Reminded That We Have A Safety Net It’s always bugged me when people say things like ‘everything is going to be okay.’ Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it doesn’t all ‘work out.’ Sometimes life comes crashing down and I tank with it. It’s not realistic to assume that everything will be okay, that risk has guaranteed success. That’s a Pollyanna approach. What we really need are people who say, as my friend said, “You got this. And in the moments that you don’t, we got you.” If it’s a mess, you have a place to come home to. The risk isn’t so much of a risk, because you’ll always have what you need regardless — us. That, right there, will give you wings. So what is required when taking a leap to the better opportunity? Courage is great. Deep breaths are great. Strategy is great. But what we really need is a support network that holds space for us. We need people to remind us who we are when we’ve forgotten & who will be there for us regardless of the outcome. “You’ve always been a cat person, you’ve just never had a cat,” my sister said, upon hearing that I would soon have a feline companion. I suppose she’s right. I generally prefer a night in to a night out, my take-out menu drawer is mightily robust, and my apartment is home to more books than dust particles. All that’s missing from this painfully stereotypical watercolor is a cat. Getting a cat has been on my to-get list for quite a while. Right above get a tattoo and just below get a house. Because, priorities. But how do you actually know you’re a cat person without, well, buying one? And if it doesn’t work out do you just return it? Does the pet store do an exit interview? Do you drop it off on the shelter’s doorstep in the middle of the night full stealth mode? Apart from the Spirit of Christmas Past visiting me as a result of doing such a heartless thing, I’d really like to know: what happens when a cat doesn’t work out? You can’t exactly ghost it. It’s not me, it’s you. I’m not afraid of commitment, but it sure seems like a death-do-us-part scenario. This rabbit-hole of what-happens-if-it-doesn’t-work-out has, in the past, hijacked my desire to get a cat. There were fleeting moments where I stemmed the tide of what-if and went looking for a kitty at a pet store. No concrete action came of it, because, well, have I mentioned the rabbit hole? It’s Vulcan-death grip is fierce. My new roommate came with a cat. It happened faster than I could think my way out of it. Alas, here we are, and by we, I mean me and Jimmy the Cat. I was at first skeptical because of the name. Who names a cat Jimmy? Pets with human names is on the list of Things That Freak Me Out. Alongside, of course, Josh Groban, and bonsai trees (they are not to scale!). I decided to give Jimmy the Cat a chance, though. Best laid plans. I made a terrible first impression. I was at work the whole day my roommate moved in and had a date that night, so I had to run home and get ready at super sonic speeds. Jimmy the Cat, at first sight of me, rubbed up against my leg and then, quite vulnerably, laid on his back exposing his belly (presumably, for me to rub). ‘I cant right now I need to get changed!!’ I bellowed, as I bolted into my room. I started changing, dress half off, only to notice Jimmy had followed me into my room, and again, was attempting to initiate first contact. I (not so) politely shooed him out of the room and made sure to close the door this time. I finished getting dressed and reached into my closet to grab my leather jacket and…there’s Jimmy! Somehow, he gained access back into my room (via the door that was now open) and snuck into the closet. This was getting out of hand. I picked him up and deposited him outside my door. At this point I’m reenacting Roadrunner scenes in my attempt to leave the house on time. While retouching my makeup in the bathroom, I look down and notice, you guessed it, Jimmy. Perched on the toilet seat, watching me. Like most men I know, he apparently enjoys watching me put on lipstick. Looking back on the encounter, I spurned every advance at connection with this cat. But lo and behold, there he was again the next morning, following me around, flipping on his back, communicating that he wanted some physical touch. LOVE ME, DAMMIT. His tenacity and confidence was endearing. He had decided that he liked me and didn’t care a crap what I thought about it. Can you say *low key* charming. This cat was pursuing me and it felt good. I pet him a little bit those first two days, but I definitely wasn’t matching his level of interest. Something fascinating happened on day 3, though. When I came home, I was expecting the same over-the-top, loving greeting, but instead, Jimmy eyed me from afar and flipped on his back from across the apartment, as if to say it’s your turn to come to me. He gave a little cry too for extra effect. You know what? I walked across the room and we had our first quality time cuddle session. He let me know he was interested — clearly, confidently, unabashedly — and then waited for me to meet him at that level. Brilliant. Can we take a collective moment to observe that this is the exact opposite of what most people do in a similar situation? I won’t talk for ya’ll, but here’s what I usually do when I choose to be vulnerable and it gets rebuffed. I retreat. I sulk. I say, ‘wow i’m not doing that again.’ At my weakest, I get self-conscious and ask myself if what I did was too vulnerable (as if there is such a thing). In essence, I take the rebuff personally. In reality, I should be more like Jimmy the Cat. I should take a rejection of my vulnerability as a reflection on the other person, not on me. I was running late, which is why I didn’t connect with Jimmy. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. Here’s what I’m learning. When I choose to be vulnerable and it isn’t received well, it says more about the other person than it does about me. Maybe they’re not there yet in their maturity. Maybe they’re still hurting from a past relationship and not ready to dive-in. Or maybe, they’re just having a bad day. It’s not on me to divine their reasons. It’s also not on me to question my actions and authenticity. I choose to be vulnerable because that is how I show up and that is how I want to live my life. And I choose to not let other people’s response change this one iota. Vulnerability is about having the hutzpah to show up when you can’t control the outcome. It’s about communicating your needs when you have no clue if they will be met. It’s about staking a claim and taking up space instead of hiding. And most importantly, it’s about reserving the best of who you are for those who have earned the right to have it. I’m learning how to do this. I’m learning from Jimmy the Cat. BY MARYBETH GRONEK Dear America,
You owe me nothing, yet I owe you everything. How do I begin to tell you what you mean to me? My dad grew up fatherless in a garden apartment in a bad part of Chicago. More siblings in the house than pairs of shoes to share between them. My mom immigrated here from Italy in her adolescence. She often skipped school to accompany my grandfather on job interviews as his translator. She got him a city job as a cement worker. Decent pay, a pension, a godsend. She was the first in the family to attend college, paid for exclusively by her, working night jobs to do so. She bought her first house — in cash — in her late twenties. America looked on these two with expectant eyes. I see you. I have something wonderful for your future if you are willing to abide by my principals, Lady Liberty proclaimed. Game on, my parents responded. Most people would say I grew up in Chicago. Really, I grew up in a library and my bedroom desk. The library exposed me to successful people who came before me — Thomas Edison, Rosa Parks, Abraham Lincoln — people who dared to dream big and took massive action to create that reality. The library taught me that Liberty permits no excuses. It does, however, provide the terrain to chart your own course. You just need to know your end destination and be willing to play by the rules to get there. Oh and patience. You need patience. In addition to the library, I grew up at my bedroom desk. That’s where I came home every day after school to study. Hours upon hours I sat in that seat, taking up Liberty’s challenge. Do you have what it takes? Will you apply yourself? Every day, for hours at a time, I said yes. I trusted Liberty that this, this right here, would get me where I needed to go. I’m not sure you can call it trust when you have no other options; it’s more like hope. Trust/hope I did. Fast Forward. I’m now a 30 year old conquistador. My library & desk upbringing have molded me into an explorer. I’ve traversed the terrains of life: work, relationships, culture.
In this country we have the freedom to pursue that which brings success and fulfillment, and in so doing, conquer both. Each day holds refreshing and exciting opportunities. I could cry thinking of everything that is open to me. Liberty’s call is precise: What is it you want? Are you willing to do what it takes to get there? If you approach these questions honestly and answer them in the affirmative, you WILL go places. O America, how I adore you — let me count the ways. Where else can a little, first generation girl grow up (with hard work and tenacity) to be a self-sufficient, confident, successful woman? Where else can I own the wealth of my labor and choose how to spend it? Where else can I choose the path of my life and pursue it unencumbered? Where else is there a bright future for those bold enough to go after it? For those willing to get dirty and uncomfortable? The reward comes through the grime. Where else can anyone, irrespective of creed, background, or identity, build a life for themselves & forge their own way? I know no other place. I can pick my job. I can pick my mate. Heck, I can pick myself. Liberty isn’t doing whatever you want or getting all that you want— it’s wanting to do the right thing & having the choice to pursue it. Liberty is birthed in the soil of personal responsibility, courage, and sacrifice. You will not find words like ‘owe’ ‘demand’ or ‘deserve’ in her neighborhood. Her acquaintances are of more humble and scrappy stock. Lady Liberty speaks to all of us the same way. She says come on my terms and I can show you how to create your own destiny. I hold hands with my brothers and sisters today. Young, old, male, female, red and yellow, black and white. We genuflect, together, in front of you, Lady Liberty. We salute you for all that you are. For all that you inspire us to be. I can think of no other place on earth I’d rather be. The person about to take center stage needs no introduction. Everyone reading this is thoroughly acquainted with him. His qualifications hail from years of hard-earned experience. When he speaks, we lend fealty on bended knee. Below are some of his favorite lines -- -I will never get better. I’ll live with this condition my whole life. -If I start this (blog) (podcast) (youtube channel), no one will tune in. -I will never find love again. -This new venture will fail. I’m destined to struggle and be poor. -I can’t play full out at work and be present for the kids and be in a committed relationship. It’s too much. -I’m not qualified enough for that position. -That person is too attractive to want to be with me. I’m not _______ enough. Do you recognize this voice? It’s our inner critic. I’m talking about the judgmental conga line going on in our head. The things we tell ourselves day in and day out. I often wonder what it would be like if for one day a year, everyone’s inner monologue was audible for all to hear. The self-judge exposed. I imagine the sky would grow dark under the weight of self-oppression. If someone talked to a friend of ours the way we regularly talk to ourselves, we would slap them across the face. Well, maybe not, but we would for sure get angry and stick up for them. Why don’t we stick up for ourselves against this dictatorial, out-of-control, inner tyrant? And it’s worse than negative self-talk: it’s lies. We tell ourselves lies over and over again. Lies about our value, or worth, our destiny. Thoughts are things. Thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to action, which lead to results. Any result in our life can be traced back to a thought. If the life we are living right now is grim, it is because it started with a thought that this is what we deserved. Our future is as bright as the truths we tell ourselves. Or as dark as the lies we believe. It’s that simple. Our thoughts create our reality. The Bible says that Satan is the author of lies. Just think about what’s implied in that claim: lies come from the pit of hell. By accepting a lie, we bring hell into our own mind. A welcome guest. Pull up a seat, we say. Agreeing to a lie literally ushers in hell on earth. And yes, I used ‘agree’ intentionally. Lying is a cooperative act. We choose to believe a lie. It has no power to devour if we shrug our shoulders and walk away from it. It’s when we accept the lie, internalize it, and give it roots that it goes full scorched earth on us. Aside from religious implications, agreeing to a lie sure feels like hell. When we believe statements like the ones that opened this article, we feel small, defeated, lonely, and listless. Directionless is our path and futility is our song. If it feels so terrible, why do we do it? Why do we agree to lies? Because we are thirsty for something. I once had a friend who would talk bad about pretty much everyone who wasn’t in the room. I was young and naive and thirsty for validation from such a critical source. But why, you ask. Because in my mind, if a critical person approved of me and confided in me, then I was something special (twisted, I know). The super selective, critical judge gave me her stamp of approval. I believed the lie that she wasn’t talking about me with others. I believed it because I wanted to be special. It all came crashing down when I overheard a conversation in which she was trash-talking me to someone else. The sting of betrayal hurt less than the sting of shame. I now saw what was probably so obvious to any outsider looking in: if she talks about other people, she’s probably talking about me too. How could I be so blind? Because I wanted something from her. I wanted validation. Blindness is a consequence of thirst. If we don’t want to be deceived, we need to identify the object of our thirst. Is it status? Intimacy? Belonging? Significance? If you can pin-point what it is you crave, and find a way to fulfill it yourself, you’ll be impervious to the lies of others. If you are not thirsty it will be hard to agree to a lie. You will have nothing to gain by doing so. This is critical to freeing ourselves from lies — lies from others and the lies we tell ourselves. Speaking of, what about the lies we tell ourselves. How on earth do we become impervious to those? We need to acknowledge what our mammalian, thousand year-old brain, inherited from generations past, longs for. It craves self-preservation, comfort, and protection. It enshrines the status quo because, well, it’s kept us alive thus far, why change. We don’t want liberty, we want to be looked after. We should want freedom, but instead we want ease. Our brain will always try to self-sabotage when we are starting something new, taking a risk, or entering a new phase. Even if it is the best thing for us.Let me repeat: our brain will self-sabotage, even if what we are trying to do is what’s best for us. It’s why a man freaks out and contemplates leaving a woman the moment he can actually see a future with her. It’s why we quit right before we’re about to get started. Our brain will tell us lies not because it thinks it’s the truth. Or brain doesn’t care if it is the truth or not. It just cares about our self-preservation. Our brain will tell us what we need to hear to maintain business as usual, even if that means our misery. The misery you know is better than the misery you don’t know, it says. We need to understand that our brain works this way. We don’t need to excoriate it for doing so. Instead, we need to accept this as part of our hard-wiring, and get creative and intentional in circumventing it. When a thought surfaces that pertains to ourselves, we need to sift it through the sieve of these questions:
If it’s the latter, dwell on it, let it fill you up. Wind in your sails. If it’s the former, say: ‘Thank you for sharing. That is not true, and I’m not picking it up. Actually, this is the truth about me: ____________.” Remove the lie, insert the truth, and carry on with your day. If it helps, keep a small journal with you and write the thoughts down as they surface throughout the day. Then, correct the self-limiting lies by stating the truth. Let’s return to our opening lines to see how this would play out. -Actually, this is a temporary season where I’m experiencing physical challenges, and I am confident I will be well soon. -Actually, my thoughts are worthwhile and people will line up to read/hear them. -Actually, I have so much to offer a partner and I am worthy of love. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. -Actually, I create wealth and success by the value I add to others’ lives. -Actually, my capacity to handle & receive good things is limitless. -Actually, I am over-qualified for the position and the company would be lucky to have a gifted, driven, effective person like me. -Actually, I am enough. We need to start getting sassy with the lies we tell ourselves. We need to start talking back. If we make this a habit, over time, our mind will change. Over time, we will believe more truths than lies. Our world will get lighter; our prospects brighter. Good opportunities will seemingly come from nowhere, surprisingly pliant to our wishes. We will have freed ourselves from the dank, dark prison of self-criticism & self-deception. Once outside, the sunlight brings healing to our body and exuberance to our face. The air is crisp and our future is bright. See, we get the behavior we accept. Our mind is no different. And deep down you know it. Most people think that our purpose here on this earth is to live for others. To give, to serve. It’s one of those platitudes that we’ve just come to accept. And on the surface it sounds good. Who wouldn’t want to help others? Scrooge, maybe. No one wants to be Scrooge. But there’s a problem. ‘Live for others’ is a lie. It’s an agreement we make in our early years. We learn that to be accepted, we must contort ourself to the wishes of others. To be recognized and celebrated, we must follow the rules. Rules are great and all, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of rules. But when following the rules becomes our validation, we have a problem. Here’s how it happens. We learn that if we give Timmy our shovel, he will give us the pail and the ‘big people’ let us play longer in the sandbox. We learn to sit quietly so the teacher will like us and let us go to recess. Yes, the skills of sharing and authority are important, but I think we extract the wrong lesson. We learn not the value of sharing and authority, rather, we learn the value of living for others. We’re not taught that doing these things will advance our own life, rather we’re told to do it because ‘it’s the right thing to do.’ We have to be nice to others. And just like that, we begin to link successful action on our part to how other people perceive and receive it. It’s a subtle shift, but it creates a chasm so deep from which most people never extricate. I’m not your personal genie. I’m not going to live my life as a silver platter to your desires. You might think “that’s ludicrous, no one thinks that way.” Oh, yea? Well they live that way. I’ll prove it. The majority of people base their decisions on how others will respond. Example: you see an attractive person across the coffee shop. Do you walk up to them and say hi? Most people wouldn’t. I might look stupid. Or The other person will think I’m weird. Or I’ll come across as awkward to them. Or They might reject me. Notice how every reason deals with the other person’s perception of you. If you were living your life for you and not for others, your thought process would be different, something along the lines of Wow, that person could be my future partner & hot damn are they fine. It’s a huge difference. When faced with a choice, our conditioned thought process (unless interrupted) is to internally sift through the following questions before deciding what to do:
So we edit our lives. We edit our dreams. So anxious to offend, we live our lives on eggshells. So fearful of looking foolish, we live our lives in the safe zone. Who ever did anything worthwhile from that zip code? Such a person is a slave to the opinions of others. And here’s the problem. No one wants to be a slave. We want be a warrior. We want to follow a warrior. Someone who is on their own mission and going after it no matter what people think. That is the type of person to whom we’re attracted. Think of every person you truly admire — public figures, influencers, writers. They live for themselves. Period.
Our purpose is not to live for others. It is to live for ourselves. It comes down to choosing our path and living it from a place of authenticity. But what about Mother Teresa? Yes, what about her. If she cared about the opinions of others, she never would have set foot in Calcutta’s dirtiest and poorest streets. Her conviction to her work was deeply personal. It’s what set her heart on fire. Notice, hers. Discovering your purpose is a very intimate and individual act — between you and your Creator. It doesn’t involve other people. It happens in the quiet recesses of the soul. That purpose will include others — don’t get me wrong. We are wired for connection, and nothing will give us greater satisfaction than using our gifts to enrich the lives of others. But it doesn’t start there. It doesn’t start with people. It starts with you. You and your Author. You and your purpose. Personal. Individual. Self-actualizing. And that’s the irony. If your focus is all on others — what you can give them, how you can please them, how you can gain their applause — you’ll never be satisfied. If the focus is on you and fulfilling your mission day by day, THEN and only then can you actually influence the lives of others. It’s precisely when we don’t *need* others that we make the most impact. See, ‘live for others’ has the aftertaste of sincerity, but not the substance. That’s the thing about a lie — it contains a hint of truth, otherwise it wouldn’t be so attractive. If we live for others (their adulation and applause) we help no one. If we live for ourselves and our mission, we operate from a place of strength and conviction, the only soil that can change the world. But change your own world first. And then gosh, there’s no telling what you will go on to do. 🔥🔥🔥 |
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